You Were Meant For Me
by BrokenAngel5683
Summary: Nessie just got dumped by her long time boyfriend. Maybe now is a good time to tell Jake about her true feelings. Or maybe it isn't. This starts with the admitting of their feelings and continues on from there.
1. A Kiss Full of Confessions

A/N: This is a project, co-written with Nicole. It's part of a series. We have written for a lot of the wolves, so let us know what you think, and who else you may want to see and we'll post them on up eventually. :)

NESSIE

It hurt. So bad. I felt like I was spiraling out of control, down and down, into a never ending black hole. I pulled my legs up to my chest as another sob escaped me. I felt my mother's cold hand on my back, trying to soothe me. But I didn't want it. It didn't help. My mind was all consumed with the fact that he didn't want me. "Don't," I whispered to her, moving my shoulder to shake her off. I felt so inadequate right now. He broke up with me. He told me he didn't love me. He told me he'd been cheating on me for the past month with the bleached blonde tramp Monica. I hated them both.

Though I suppose it wasn't completely fair to hate him for not loving me. I know that I said it to him. But I'm not sure that I ever truly felt it. And either way the pain of rejection stung. Like Mike had said, I'd always felt something for someone else. Someone that I was sure couldn't return those feelings. He'd watched me grow up. He cared for me when I was a baby. There's no way that he could be in love with me. The sobs subsided to silent tears as I thought about my Jacob. But like I said, he saw me as a child. He could never feel the same for me. And Mike didn't feel anything for me either. Would anyone ever love me?

My mom tried to get me to talk to her about it again and I shook my head. "I just want to be alone, right now."

Bella seemed upset with my answer, but she begrudgingly left me to my misery.

When it had been hours and nothing had changed, I hadn't even spoken to them what had happened, I felt the tension actually permeating the air, taking over the house. They were beyond worried, which was proven by the fact that my dad seemed to finally say. "Call Jacob."

Jacob, since his imprint on me had never needed an invitation to come over. He was always welcome because of the affection I held for him. But he had never actually been formally invited. And I couldn't say that I wasn't glad that he was coming. If I was going to talk to anyone, I wanted it to be him. He was like sunshine. He was warm. And caring. And comforting. I could trust him with anything, even the insecure ramblings of a dumped teenage girl. I felt like I could keep the pieces of me held together until he got here.

JACOB

Wiping the sweat off my brow, I stand back and look down at the engine. That should've done it. For some reason, I'd been feeling restless all day and had decided to tinker around in the garage to occupy myself, but somehow it wasn't working. My nerves were still on edge, I just couldn't place why. Just as I'm about to hop in and test my work, my ears pick up the sound of the phone ringing inside. Immediately I drop everything and rush in to pick it up.

It's Bella. My heart stops for a moment as the first thing that jumps into my mind is Nessie. At first I'm terrified that something had happened to her, that that was the reason why I'd been feeling so off all day. Why hadn't I picked up on my instinct instead of letting it wait?

So when Bella explains about the whole deal with Mike, I feel relief flooding over me. We can deal with that. The very next instant, though, the very same relief is replaced by anger towards that jerk, and pain on my Nessie's behalf. "Say no more, Bells, I'll be right over."

Within fifteen, I'm at their place and practically charging in to see her. It still feels awkward at times, being around the bloodsuckers, but with Nessie here that feeling's always overshadowed by the aura of ease and serenity that she casts over everyone. Right now, though, that aura is distorted and all I want to do is get to her as quickly as I can. "We didn't know what else to do-" Bella begins, but I raise a hand to stop her. "Thanks for calling me," I tell her sincerely. For an instant, we exchange a look of understanding. Then she nods and before I know it, I'm upstairs knocking on Nessie's door.

"Ness?" I call worriedly. "Nessie, it's me. Can I come in?"

NESSIE

It's him! He's here! He actually came! Of course he came I chastise myself for ever doubting it. But then again he is a grown man. He has more important things to worry about than the drama of a child. I know I'm his imprint. But sometimes I feel like one day he might wake up and realize that there's more important things in the world than me. I mean he can't have that much of a life outside of me. I see him practically everyday. He even has his patrols scheduled around the times that he can see me. But still one day something has to be more important than helping a half breed kind of teenager navigate life. But his mere presence has some of the tension leaving my body and has me feeling a bit better already.

"Of course," I call to him, my voice still full of tears. I don't want to seem so silly in front of him. Crying over a boy I'm not sure I even loved. But I can't stop myself. It still hurts too much. I wipe at my eyes all the same and try to look more composed though I can't seem to see fit to pull myself even into a sitting position. I'm still lying on my side. And as he pushes the door open I avoid his eyes slightly.

"Thanks," I say to him, "For being here." I want to make sure that he knows how much his support truly means to me. His support is what makes me who I am. Without him I wouldn't be half as strong or brave as I am. My life wouldn't be rich. When he's in it, I feel like I could have anything I ever wanted. Like I could accomplish anything. Like I could even fly. I loved him.

I gestured for him to join me. I wanted him to wrap me in his arms. I wanted him to hold me. And then I could tell him about all the horrible things that had happened today.

JACOB

I'm relieved to hear her voice. At least she's talking - that's a good sign. When I open the door, I feel my heart constrict at the sight of her curled up on the bed, her beautiful eyes looking puffy, her smooth cheeks streaked with tears. She thanks me but all I can do is shake my head. Where else would I be when I live and breathe for her? "You know I'll always be here."

It does of course make me glad to know that she wants me by her side. Ordinarily, it would sting just a little because I know that she wants me here as her best friend and nothing more. But right now I'm not feeling that. I'm just happy that she trusts me and that she knows she can rely on me to be there for her no matter what. In two long strides, I'm at the bed looking down at her. She seems to be avoiding my gaze somewhat, but not in a manner that says she wants me to go away. Carefully, I sit down beside her before gently pulling her up against me. Then, leaning back against the headboard, I tighten my hold on her and plant a kiss on her temple.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask tentatively while stroking her hair. I want to know exactly what happened, but I also know that she's hurting and that this must be hard for her. There have never been secrets between us, but I've always left it up to her to open up to me at her own pace, and that still applies. As long as she knows I'll always listen.

NESSIE

"You know I'll always be here." His words wash over me. And they are spoken with such sincerity and care that I can't doubt their truth. Jacob will always be here. He was there to dry my tears when I realized Barbie's hair wouldn't grow back after I cut it. He was there to dry my tears when I got my first injury while tree climbing. And I wanted to pretend that I knew that he would be drying my tears for years to come. Maybe at our wedding. But I didn't need to get ahead of myself. He didn't even harbor those feelings for me.

He moved over to me and scooped me up into his arms, pulling me into his arms and I pressed as close to him as I could. His arms held me tightly, wrapping me in warmth. I felt safe. When I was in Jake's arms, nothing could hurt me. I breathed deeply taking in his scent. It was a mix of the salt water and surf of the beach and the woods that he spent so much time running through. Two of the best smells in the world. I lay there in silence for a long time, even after he asked me if I wanted to talk about it.

When I felt like I had been put at as much ease as I would obtain right now, I nodded against his chest, not pulling away from him, allowing myself to imagine that his hold on me meant more than it did. What to say first? "Today was awful," I murmured into his chest, not worrying about his being able to hear me, I knew his wolf ears would pick it all up. "Mike broke up with me," I told him, though I was sure that he already knew that. "He said..." I trailed off, lacking the ability to say the rest of it. I took a deep breath. I had to be strong. "He said..." I tried again and hated myself for not having the words. Now Jake would think I was in love with Mike. And I wasn't really. Not the same way that I loved Jake.

I reached up and touched his cheek, allowing him to simply see it coming from me, using my vampire ability.

It was sunny outside, at school. It was lunch time and Mike and I were sitting on a picnic table together. I leaned up to kiss him and while he let me, that's exactly what it felt like, like he was letting me. And when I pulled away with questioning eyes, he let out a sigh, giving a glance in the opposite direction.

"Ren, we need to talk." I'd always hated this nickname, but I had never wanted to share my family's, more importantly, Jacob's nickname, for me, with him.

"What's up?" I asked, not ever expecting what came next.

"I've been thinking about this for a while," he started and glanced away again. I followed his gaze. My eyes fell on Monica. What did she have to do with this? "I just didn't know how to say it. I didn't want to hurt you." he paused. "I guess there's no good time and no good way." And then he was completely blunt, as if I had no feelings. "I don't think we should be together anymore. I'm in love with someone else. And it's amazing. You pale in comparison to her."

I pulled my hand away from Jacob's face. He didn't need to know the rest of it. I had first said I loved him, things could be different. I could be different. And then he had mentioned that he thought I'd always loved someone else. And I didn't want Jacob to know that, even less that it was true. I couldn't take the you're like a little sister to me conversation that I was pretty sure would ensue.

Tears were in my eyes. He had said I wasn't good enough. That I paled in comparison. I snuggled deeper into Jake. "What did I do wrong?" I mused quietly to myself.

"Can I ask you a silly question?" I said to him. I didn't think it was silly, but I knew that the second he answered me, I would. He would answer in such a definitive way, a way that would make it impossible to argue with his answer. But I really wanted to know the answer.

JACOB

Resting my chin on the top of her head, I let her lie there in silence, pressed against me until she's ready to speak. The whole time, I listen to the rhythmic sound of her breathing, in and out, in and out... the beating of her heart inside her chest, the only heart that beats in this household, the one heart that has the ability to capture mine. It was always her, from the beginning, even though it was not always in the same way. When she was younger, if I had ever thought about her this way, I would've went to Bella myself and asked Bella to tear me to shreds. No, it wasn't like that.

Not before. But even now, I still don't know how to feel about it. After all, technically I'm from her mother's generation. What if I'm not just Jake the best friend, but Jake the big brother, or even worse, Uncle Jake? As much as I struggle to fight against my feelings for her, I just don't want to turn her away from me. I would rather deny my heart forever than lose my Nessie. I know it's selfish, but I couldn't live with that.

Finally, she pulls me out of my thoughts by starting to tell me about what happened, but she can't bring herself to say it all. So instead she settles for the way that's always seemed to work best for her. As her fingers touch my cheek, I see it all being played out. I can't help a slight pang of jealousy as she kisses Mike, but I push it aside in an instant, taking in the rest. Mike saying that they need to talk, taking her completely by surprise... and then, without the slightest bit of consideration, telling her that he's in love with someone else. I see the blonde girl that she shows me and I can't for the life of me see how Nessie could ever pale in comparison to her, or to anyone for that matter.

Once she draws her hand away, I look down at her and see the tears brimming in those soft, warm eyes that I love so much. "What did I do wrong?" she asks quietly, her voice soft and timid. If I could have my way I would break Mike's neck right now. But as much as he deserves a beating, Nessie needs me more. Gently, I tilt her chin up so that she's looking at me and seeing the intensity in my eyes. "Listen, you did nothing wrong, you hear me? That jerk wouldn't know a good thing if it hit him in the face."

"Can I ask you a silly question?" she asks.

"You can ask me anything," I reply with a smile, reaching down and using my thumbs to brush the tears off her cheeks.

NESSIE

He waits patiently for me to speak and stays just as quiet and still when I try to communicate to him the best I can what's going on. I wait for some sort of reaction from him and I get it when I ask what I did wrong. It's then that I feel his hands on my face, his rough skin against mine. I want to close my eyes and pretend like maybe he might kiss me after holding me, touching me so intimately, but I can't tear my eyes from his. They're so intense. And hold so many emotions. I can't even decipher them all.

He tells me that I didn't do anything wrong. Basically telling me that Mike is stupid and wouldn't know when he had a good thing in front of him. And maybe he's right. But it doesn't make the rejection sting less. And maybe Jake's just saying this because it's in the male family member handbook. Hell and the best friend handbook. But I know that the people downstairs and the rest of dad's family would say the same thing. So would most of the pack. But the way he says the words so passionately, it makes them hard to ignore.

"It's not even that I really loved him, but..." I don't know what to say, "He was cruel. And so dismissive..." words seem to fail me again. But there's no way to convey this without speech. I just don't know the right words to use.

"I wonder what Monica has," I bite off hostily. At the concern on his face I give a small laugh. "Don't worry Jake. I know she's not actually better than me. I just don't get it." But truth is, I know one thing that Monica probably does with Mike that I had always refused to do. She's done it with half the student body, so why not my ex-boyfriend. Though he hadn't been my ex the whole time that they'd been seeing each other.

I shook my head to get my thoughts back on track. "Okay, so back to my silly question," I said, leaning into him, his hands that were gently brushing away my tears that showed no signs of relenting soon. "Do you think someone will ever love me like mom and dad love each other? Like that to die for kind of love? The they are my world and without them I'm nothing kind of love? The kind of guy who would never dare to even speculate if I paled in comparison to another girl?" My voice cracks slightly. My eyes plead with him to say yes. And I wished I had the guts to possibly change everything and kiss him right now. But I couldn't lose Mike and Jake in one day.

JACOB

I'm glad to hear that she never really loved him, and though she could easily be saying that just to convince herself, I do believe it's true. I think right now, it's her pride that's more damaged than her heart, and that can be easily fixed. More easily fixed than a broken heart any day. Still, that doesn't make what he did any less hurtful. She begins to speculate aloud, wondering what this other girl has that she doesn't. I'm about to tell her that she shouldn't feel inferior to anyone when, almost as if she's reading my mind, she brushes it off. It's fair enough to wonder why, but I guess the majority of teenage boys are like that. They hook up, they break up, they move on. It's probably nothing personal.

"Okay, so back to my silly question," she says before leaning in slightly. I hold her closer, listening intently, wondering what it is she's about to ask me. "Do you think someone will ever love me like mom and dad love each other?" That gives me a jolt. And then she goes on to list everything that my heart feels when I'm around her, and when I'm not around her. "Like that to die for kind of love? The they are my world and without them I'm nothing kind of love? The kind of guy who would never dare to even speculate if I paled in comparison to another girl?"

I feel like she's just punched me in the gut and it takes all my willpower to keep the pain from showing on my face. But on the inside the emotions are tearing through me relentlessly. Still, I force myself to pull myself together for her sake. As much as I wish I could tell her how I really feel, I refuse to risk having her hate me forever. So I paste a smile on my face. "That's four silly questions," I tell her, tweaking her nose playfully. "Of course you will, Ness. You just need to be patient, and the right person will come when the time is right, probably when you least expect it." Tenderly, I reach down to tuck a few loose curls behind her ear before repeating, "You will, Nessie. I'm sure you will."

And hell, it sure hurts to know that that right person will never be me. That I'll be the friend in the background, the person to turn to when things go wrong, but never the one. It hurt when it was Bella, but that's rainbows and sunshine compared to what it feels like now. But despite how much I ache inside, my feelings for Nessie run much deeper than that. I would willingly suffer through any amount of pain in exchange for her happiness. I wouldn't even think twice.

NESSIE

As he comforts me, I keep moving closer and closer to him, my arms wrapped around him too now. Holding on to the one person who always says the perfect things, who always knows what to do to make me feel better, who just makes me feel better by being there. Holding on for dear life to the one person who always thinks the best of me. My eyes are still locked on his from when he pulled my face up to look at him. And for a moment when I ask my questions it looks like something might not be right, something might be wrong with Jake. He couldn't seriously be hurting that much from just watching me hurt and doubt myself. But, it's possible that he does. That the imprint is at work there. And this thought brings me some comfort. I would hate to know that I had hurt him by some way that I could control. I would never intentionally hurt my Jake. It also makes me wonder if there's something wrong with our imprint, if our magic is broken. All the other imprints are couples...or like in the case of Claire and Quil, struggling with emotions. But Jake seems to always just see me as his little sister. Not as anything else at all. I've never seen him struggle with his feelings for me. Not once. Even the magic that should bring me a soul mate isn't working right. Nothing seems to be on my side. Nothing but Jake himself.

"That was four silly questions," he says before tweaking my nose. And I can't stop the small giggle that comes up. It's such a silly, cute thing to do. Another way that Jake is perfect. He can always make me smile and laugh, no matter what with small, sweet, sometimes corny gestures like that. I listen to every word he has to say, ending with. "You will, Nessie. I'm sure you will." And then he tucks some hair behind my ears. And my eyes close of their own accord, my lips parting slightly, as I imagine Jacob telling me the words I long to hear from him. That he loves me. And then he seals it with a kiss. Just as soon as I have the image in my head, I let my eyes open and I close my mouth swallowing dryly and licking my lips. The fulfillment I would feel in the moment that that happened would be more than I could think I could feel.

"Thank you, Jake," I said to him quietly leaning up to place a kiss on the corner of his mouth, the closest to a real kiss that I dared. And part of me hoped that he would assume I had missed his cheek. Because nobody wants their younger friend putting the moves on them.

JACOB

I watch as she closes her eyes, seeming almost far away for a moment. I try not to stare at her perfect lips, that soft shade of rose, parted just a little almost dreamily. When her eyelids lift again I blink and shift my gaze slightly, hoping she didn't notice. She whispers a soft 'thank you' before moving closer and planting a light kiss just at the corner of my mouth, enough to knock the breath out of my lungs for a split second. But of course, it was a friendly kiss. After all, she might as well have said it herself, it was a "Thank you, Jake" kiss.

"There's nothing to thank, silly," I tell her before bringing my thumb down to the corner of her lip and pushing it up slightly. "Now give me a smile." She does, but I won't settle for I'm-feeling-better - I want her spirits up in the clouds, soaring. I shake my head at her, a mock frown on my face. "No, that's not good enough, I want a big one." Then sneakily, I reach down and slip my fingers just under her blouse, tickling her belly. It was never inappropriate with us, I never went beyond being playful. I would never forgive myself if I did.

NESSIE

He tells me that there's nothing to thank. And I'm left feeling awe and wonder at how he seems to care about me so selflessly. He seems so willing to do anything to make me happy. If I were to say right now that the only way that I would ever be happy again was if he learned to eat fire. He'd risk life and limb to just that. But the thing is, I don't ever need him to do anything special to feel happy. I just need him. I just need him around. And sometimes I wonder if I don't do enough for him in this friendship, or in our pretend relationship that we have in my head. He seems to always be here for me. But I feel like sometimes I selfishly take a lot from him and don't offer as much in return. But then again he doesn't share most of his adult, hard to handle hardships with me. We're best friends. But he doesn't want to burden me, at least not while I'm only nine years old, with truly complicated things.

He pushes the corner of my lip up asking me to smile, and though I still hurt, I feel like maybe things will be okay. I turn up one side of my mouth in an attempt at a smile. In a smile that tells him I'm feeling better, but that I am not yet okay. But he won't settle for small victories and little smiles. He wants me to smile wide. He wants to know I'm happy. The imprint makes him always want to have me smiling bright. And I know that it hurts him to see me in pain so I give a less meager attempt at smiling. Apparently it still isn't up to standards.

I let out a small yelp of surprise as he flips me over onto my back. Then his fingers are under my shirt. His warm, calloused skin tickling me. I laugh, loudly, my smile stretching across my face. I began to try and get away. I looked up at him and my eyes met his. And then things felt different. We'd been this way hundreds of times, but now that I really saw him as Jacob, the boyfriend that I wanted, this seemed like an awkward moment. I was acutely aware of his hot skin against my cool skin. My breath caught in my chest a moment. And I couldn't resist. My hand reached up and wrapped around his neck, pulling myself up and him down at the same time until my lips met his. The kiss was slow and tentative. But I loved the feel of his warm lips against mine. And then before I could notice if he was kissing back or not I realized what I was doing. I used my vampire speed to jump out of bed and move to stand next to it, pulling away from him. I'd probably just ruined everything.

I felt so frazzled. I didn't know what to say. I felt the blush creep up my cheeks. I hated the fact that I could blush like a human. My parents didn't, you could never tell when they were embarrassed. I was jealous of that ability of theirs. But Jake and dad always said they loved my blush. Dad said it reminded him of mom when they first met. Apparently she was a klutzy blusher back in the day.

I didn't know what to say or where to start. "I'm sorry," I said, my anxiety showing in my tone, "I shouldn't have done that...there's no way..." I felt more tears in my eyes as I waited for Jake to freak out about what just happened.


	2. Lost in Translation

A/N: Glad everyone enjoyed the first chapter. Hope to hear from more of you this time. *hint hint* lol. Hope you enjoy this chapter. :) Again we don't own Twilight. Co-written with Nicole. And on a completely unrelated note, I got my first acceptance letter to college the other day! Yay! so, I'm not college less anymore more.

**JACOB**

I grin in satisfaction as I get the smile that I want. I love the sound of her laughter. Like Christmas bells chiming. Like music. I could listen to her laugh all day long and not get tired of it. Before Nessie, I used to wonder how you could have your entire life revolve around just one person. What the other imprints were going through were just beyond my comprehension. It was just impossible to understand back then, and now I know why. You can never truly begin to understand until you're experiencing it yourself, this connection that transcends all things, even life itself. I remember feeling the pull for the very first time after she was born, just after wanting to lunge at her and kill her. But one look at her and everything else dissolved. And that feeling has never once faltered since then.

When she tries to squirm away, I slow down, quite sure that it had worked well enough. But then she looks up at me and time seems to stop for a moment. There's an intensity in her eyes that was never there before, a look of longing almost. And with it comes a spark, one that's not like anything I'd ever felt since we first imprinted. My brain keeps sending signals to my hands to pull away, but they're frozen in place against her cool skin and the next thing I know, her arms are around my neck and her lips... her sweet lips are pressed against mine. Fully. And it feels better than it ever did in my imagination. She's taken me completely by surprise and I find myself at a loss for how to respond. My first thought is that I should push her away, that this isn't right, that it can't be right. This has to be Nessie on a rebound. But every single fibre of my body believes otherwise, that this was destined all along.

Even so, I can't find it in me to kiss her back. Not when there is yet doubt in my mind. Not like this.

I don't know if it's because she's realised that it's not right, or that I'm not responding, but either way, she stops and leaps off the bed in a flash. I, on the other hand, have barely moved a muscle. She stands there looking at me with glassy eyes, a soft touch of pink diffusing across her porcelain cheeks. "I'm sorry," she says, her voice small and cracking. "I shouldn't have done that...there's no way..."

As soon as I see the tears coming, I snap myself out of it and hop off the bed, moving over to stand in front of her. My first instinct has always been to protect her, from any kind of harm, from any kind of pain she might even begin to feel. Gently, I place a hand on either side of her face, tilting her chin up slightly. What she did may have been impulsive, especially after what just happened today, but I don't want her to feel awkward about it. Not with me. Ever. "Hey, hey, it's okay," I tell her soothingly, wiping the tears away, though they seem more relentless now than they were before. "You only just broke up with Mike, and you're still hurting. It's normal to feel confused about things."

To think that she kissed me not because she really wanted to, but because I was just, well, there... that kind of stings. Because deep down I want more than that. I want her to love me as more than just a best friend, I want her to kiss me because she actually means it. But it's not about me or what I want. It's about Nessie and what's best for her. That is what's most important to me, more so than any desire I've ever had for myself. She's so young, still barely getting a taste of the world and all it has to offer. I could never imagine life with anyone else, would never even consider it for a second, but I refuse to hold her to that as well. It wouldn't be fair. She deserves to experience it all, like any normal girl should, not get tied down so early on in life just because of the imprint.

**NESSIE**

He doesn't respond. He doesn't kiss me back. He doesn't push me away. Even now, moments later with me feet away from him, he's just laying there. I couldn't have caught him that off guard, could I have? And if I had, if I had given him time to respond what would he have done? Would he have pushed me away, or would he have wrapped his arms around me and kissed me back? Would I ever know?

At the first sign of my tears, he gets up and moves quickly, closing the distance between us. A small voice in the back of my head says to step away from him, to pull away. That it's not good for me to tease myself with fake closeness, with things that I could pretend probably meant something that they didn't. But I crave him, his touch, his voice, his scent, his presence. And I can't pull away from it. I can't deny either of us that. He takes my face into his hand and tries to soothe me. He tries to explain away my behavior. He makes excuses for me. It's then that I realize he has no ideas what my intentions were, what my reasons were. I wondered if I should tell him. If I should just put it all out there and say that I was crazy head over heels in love with him. That I want to marry him, have babies with him, be there to hold his hand through the hard times, and celebrate through the good, that I want to be everything for him that he wants, everything he needs, until the end of time. That Mike had been the distraction, to keep me from paying way too much attention to the fact that I was in love with someone who couldn't love me back.

I gazed up into his chocolate orbs and reality crashed down on me. I could never tell him. He was looking at me with so much love and concern, but in the same way that my dad would if he were trying to comfort me through this. I studied his eyes and his face for a long time, looking for even the slightest trace that he might possess a fraction of the longing or desire that I did. But I found none.

It was then that I realized how cruel and fickle fate could be. It was the same as him and my mother. Only now I was the one destined to always be in love with my best friend. To be in love and relegated to the periphery of his life. Only there's nothing that I could do to shake him. I could never make him angry enough to get him to stop talking to me by threatening to become a vampire. And I could never disgust him into shunning me. As my previous actions had proved. And for the first time in my life, I resented the imprint. It was going to force me to watch the man of my dreams love someone else.

My chest constricted, like it was being robbed of its breath. Discovering that it would be practically impossible for Jake to love me like I loved him did that. His love was my air. And it was being quickly stolen from me. But even if I possessed the ability to get rid of Jake, I knew I wouldn't. Because living a life without Jake in it would be like living in the dark, an outsider, relegated to the shadows. I could live without air, but I couldn't live without the light.

My lungs were screaming for oxygen. I could hold my breath for longer than the average human, but not indefinitely. I was scared to breathe, scared that the air might taste different. That one breath in would be like truly accepting it. The loss of a future with Jake was profound. It felt like a hole had been ripped out of my heart. A hole that would never be fixed because Jake was the only person that could do that. I felt like I could just start sobbing and never stop. As it was this was a loss that I would mourn every day of my life, with his presence as a constant reminder.

I took in a slow, halting breath. I looked in his eyes again, hoping to see something different. It wasn't. So I turned my tear filled eyes away from his, and echoed his sentiments hollowly, "Yeah, I'm just confused."

And it was now or never. I could redefine us. I could change our imprint maybe. I could set him free. Free so he'll be able to find what made him happy beyond a best friend. I took a step away from him, out of his hands. "Do you ever feel stifled by it? By our imprint?" I ask him, hoping for an honest answer. I love him enough to do what ever it takes to make him happy, including making myself miserable by setting him free.

**JACOB**

She remains silent for the longest time, gazing deep into my eyes as if she's searching, hoping to find something. I can tell that she's holding her breath, like she's not daring to let the air in. I watch her with worry and concern as it seems like a million things must be going through her mind, things that I wish I could read so that I could fully understand what's wrong, until finally, she turns away, agreeing that she's just confused. But not wholeheartedly at all. Not even halfheartedly. She just sounds empty, and that emptiness echoes in my head as if it's my own, even more so when she pulls away from me.

And then she asks me something that I really wasn't expecting her to ask. For a moment I'm so horrified by her question that I can't even find it in me to mask the cringe that draws my eyebrows together. She might as well be putting a .38 caliber to my chest, except I don't believe a bullet through the heart could ever hurt this much. Is this what I've been really letting on to her? Is this the impression she's been getting from me the whole time? That I feel stifled by the imprint? By her? When in reality I love her so much that- no, let me rephrase that… when in reality, I don't just love her, I'm in love with her. Only I can't have her know that for fear that she might feel I'm forcing myself on her, like I'm her only option. Damn, why does it have to be so hard?

…Cullen, you'd sure as hell better not be listening in on this.

The very next instant, I wipe the look of shock and hurt from my face, hoping it had only lasted for a split second, hoping she had missed it. Because whatever internal turmoil I may be experiencing, I won't let it be her burden too. "Never," I answer her without the slightest hesitation, with every ounce of conviction that I can muster from the very depths of my being, wanting her to see that there's not a shadow of a doubt in that one word. She's not just some kind of obligation to me - I thought she knew that.

But as soon as my reply leaves my lips, it hits me, full on like a brick in the head. Maybe she wasn't really asking. Maybe she was hinting... hinting that she wants out. I realise now that Mike can't possibly be all that she's upset about. She liked him, definitely, and losing him dealt her pride a nasty blow for sure, but I also know that Nessie's much too strong an individual to ever let herself get so let down by someone who's hardly worth her time, much less her sorrow. There's more going on than that, and it feels like my worst fears have been confirmed. After all, isn't this exactly what I'd been worried about in the first place? That the time would come when she would start to feel smothered, as if the imprint somehow bound her to me against her will, as if she didn't have the freedom of choice that she's entitled to?

"Ness…" I say quietly, willing her to look at me again. "Is there something else you're not telling me?" It's not really a question. I know there is. Something's definitely bothering her and I'm almost afraid to find out what it really is. But I could never bring myself to be that selfish, not where her wellbeing is concerned. I love her too much and too deeply for that, more than she could ever know. No matter how much the truth may hurt, I need to know what's wrong so that I can help fix it, even if it means that I might have to give her up for the sake her of her happiness. It would kill me, but I would die for her. A thousand times over and I would still die for her.

It's bad enough that I simply can't bear for her to be upset, but to know that I may well be the cause of that just makes it so much worse. When she doesn't answer right away, it's then that I feel my voice crack slightly with the first hint of raw emotion. "Please don't turn away from me. Look at me, Nessie, please."

**NESSIE**

I couldn't bring myself to look at him again. I stared at the floor intently, studying the pattern in the hard wood. I couldn't bear to see the look in his eyes again, not right now. Not while I was still hurting so deeply from the realization of it all. Maybe in a few days I could take the look of an uncle's love shining out from his eyes, but I couldn't contemplate taking that blow again right now. I couldn't look at him. I just couldn't.

"Never." he tells me about feeling stifled by the imprint. I am so surprised by the emphasis he places on the word that I cut my eyes sideways to look at his face again, for just a moment. I missed his moment of pain, just seeing the fatherly love residing there again. The only love that he'll ever have for me. I can't stand to see it for long. Even though he cares. Even though he says that I could never stifle him. Even though he says he'll always want to be with me. I still feel like I'm suffocating. I still fell like I'm loosing. I still feel hollow and broken. I still feel lost. I feel like I'm lost in the world without even the potential of him being mine. I feel weak and helpless. And for the first time ever in my life, I feel that I am alone, with no one to turn to, because I can't explain this to him. I can't tell him, the one person I tell all of my secrets too. And I know that I will live my whole life missing a piece of myself because of it.

He asks if there's something that I'm not telling him. And all I want to do is proclaim that I'm not telling him anything. That I'm keeping everything secret. But it's too big of a secret. I could never tell. And besides if he didn't feel stifled by me and spent all of his time with me, then what did that mean? Did he want me? Did he not want for anything else? Did he miss that part of his life? Did he want to be in love and have a physical relationship with someone? It was just too confusing. I mean, it had to be that he wanted me, or that I was standing in his way of him getting what he truly wanted. Didn't it? Was there a third option? I couldn't see one.

As he begged me to look up at him, I felt my will to avoid his eyes faltering. He needed to know we were okay. He needed for me to assure him of that. He needed to see my eyes. And I heard his voice crack, real pain shining through. I couldn't hurt him. I steeled myself for the moment of our eyes meeting, for seeing the look I had been avoiding. And when I thought I had enough courage I raised my eyes to his. But the look in them was not the same. They were filled with such deep pain that I was floored by it. I felt the air leave my lungs and I think my heart stopped beating in that moment. I had caused him that pain. "Oh, Jake," I said quietly, moving back over to him. I couldn't not comfort him when he was so upset. I wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him close to me. Be strong, I told myself, Be strong. You can do this for Jake.

I again turned my head up to face his and faked a small smile for him. It didn't reach my eyes. I don't know if any smile ever would again. But I couldn't hurt him intentionally. "Jake...I just," how could I say some of what I wanted without telling the truth and without lying. "I worry about you sometimes. You're my favorite person in the world. And I love spending every moment I can with you. I'd never want to give you up. But sometimes I worry that that might be the problem. Because of the imprint you'll always be by my side if I want you to be and I would never not want you to be. But that's not really fair to you is it? What about your life? You can't feel completely fulfilled being friends with a child? And before...by taking care of a baby...I mean don't you ever want more?"

I didn't want him to think for even a second that I was pushing him away. I wanted him near me. I wanted him in my life. But I had to be fair. He deserved what he wanted too. I couldn't steal his life away from him.

**JACOB**

She looks at me. I feel myself let out a sigh, only just realising that I'd been holding my breath. When she wraps her arms around me again, I feel certain that we can work through whatever's going on, no matter how big or how small it is. Haven't we always? But then she looks up at me and the smile that I see on those lips isn't the smile that I know. It's hardly even there. It might as well not be there. She can fool anyone with that but not me. It seems like she's trying to get the words out, but she doesn't know how. Does she really want me to leave? Is this really it? Is this hug just meant to offer some sort of comfort leading up to the big blow?

But that isn't it, I realise. She really is genuinely worried that she's crowding up my life, that she's not giving me a chance to live my life, in exactly the same way that I'm afraid that I might be smothering her... "You can't feel completely fulfilled being friends with a child? And before...by taking care of a baby...I mean don't you ever want more?" But she doesn't understand that.... I don't see her as a child. I mean, I do, but I don't. Part of me will always see Nessie in the sweet light of innocence, but that doesn't mean that I'm treating her like one.... or am I? Does she feel that way? And the fact that I keep thinking about her as more than that, or wanting her to be more than that, really doesn't help matters...

She's wrong. In any and every way possible she's wrong. Even though the imprint works both ways, the space that she fills in my life she can't even begin to understand. But what if this is what she really wants? What if this is her way of asking me to back up, give her some breathing space? I can't live without her, but I can't live knowing that I'm causing her any pain, even if it's just a little discomfort. With a sigh I take her hands and unwrap them from their hold around my waist, my heart aching as I do so. "Ness, honey, you know better than that," I tell her softly. "You know I see you as way more than that. I love you way more than that." For a moment, I let myself say the word the way I really mean it, pretending to myself that she would see it for what it is... but I'm cheating myself.

"But maybe... Nessie, if you're starting to feel even the least bit... _stifled_... by the imprint, then..." Damn it, it's just so hard to have to say this. Someone shoot me right now. "Maybe it would be best if we both... you know, took some time out. From each other." Reaching down, I touch her cheek gently, savouring the feeling in case I never did again. "Of course I'll still be around if you need me, but I want to give you a chance to get out there too. To breathe. You understand what I'm saying, don't you?"

**NESSIE**

He reaches down and unwraps my arms from his waist. He's never done anything like that before. He's never pulled away. He's never pushed me away. He's always wanted me close. I wonder if I've pushed him too far. If maybe even imprinting has its limits. And if so, have I crossed them? Have I somehow done the one thing that could make me lose him forever? He tells me that I know better. And he's right. I do. I know better than to doubt his presence in my life. All I wanted to begin with was for him to either say he wanted a life...or that he truly enjoyed being with me. Although if that were true, I wouldn't understand it. How someone could be content being alone for the rest of their lives. But who am I to complain. His devotion would have been to me forever. Even if it was in a different way than I wanted.

"I love you more than that." He said, looking down at me. Love. That word was filled with such emotion, passion, intensity, that I almost responded. I almost believed it was what I wanted it to be. That he was in love with me. I almost said I love you too. But then his face fell, his body went slack, his light seemed to go missing as he continued to speak. "But maybe... Nessie, if you're starting to feel even the least bit... _stifled_... by the imprint, then..." But I don't feel stifled by it. I want to scream that I don't feel stifled by it. Even if it means that I always pine after my best friend, I don't feel stifled by it. I love the imprint. Really. It gives me Jake, all of Jake, completely selflessly. "Maybe it would be best if we both... you know, took some time out. From each other."

He reaches down to touch my cheek and I turn into the caress, afraid of what will come next. I memorize how he smells, the heat radiating off of him, the feel of his skin against mine. Because I am afraid that I have done it. That I've pushed him away. That he's about to deliver the final blow to us. That I'm going to lose him. That things will never be the same. "Of course I'll still be around if you need me, but I want to give you a chance to get out there too. To breathe. You understand what I'm saying, don't you?" And there it is. The fatal blow to our relationship. He's saying it. He's finally telling me that he does want more. That I'm not enough. He's saying he wants me to look for more. But I already know that there is nothing better than Jake. "Jake..." I want to tell him that I don't want this. I want to beg him to stay. I want to tell him that things got so confused somewhere along the way. I want to tell him that I can't bear to not have him around. I want to tell him the truth, consequences be damned. I want to touch him again. I want to hug him. I want to convince him to stay. The pain on his face echoes the pain that I feel inside. Leaving me is hurting him. And he thinks I think he's stifling me. Would this ever be fixed between us? But maybe it only hurts him to walk away because of the imprint. Maybe this is what he wants to.

"I didn't mean to hurt you..." is all that I say instead of all the things I want to say. And then I let him go. I take a few steps away from him and we seem to study each other for a long while, like we're each waiting for a different outcome. Finally I speak to him again. "I understand," I whisper. I'm not sure when we'll talk next. I'm not even sure if I can stay away, so I don't say anything pertaining to that.

He gives one small nod and gives me that lightless look again. And that devastates me. I want to give him his light back. All I'd have to do is say that I didn't want him to go. But I can't hold him down with that, so instead, I give a small wave, trying to be strong, to keep from breaking in front of him. Trying to keep things friendly and struggling for lightness. He leaves, closing my door behind him and I wait until he is out of ear shot to slump to the floor, unable to even hold my body up as the sobs rack through me. I already miss him.

**JACOB**

Part of me is willing her to tell me to stay... that maybe right now, at the time when our relationship is at its most desperate stage, she'll somehow hear me by means of whatever magic holds us together. But it's not enough. My wanting to stay is not enough. My wanting her to want me to stay is not enough. She has to want it herself - and if there's even a hint of doubt in either of our minds, maybe it just doesn't work. Maybe our imprint really is flawed... maybe the celestial committee got it wrong this time. Has all our time together, all the years, come to this? If I walk away now, will she ever let me back in? Or does time out mean forever? Is that the way she wants it to be?

If that happens... if this spells the end of things for us, then I hope that at least her happiness will result from this. Then it would be worth it, it would all have been worth it. Because that's all I live for, all I breathe for. She was never a burden to me, never the slightest bother to me, never something I could ever view with resentment - on the contrary, Nessie was everything sweet and good in my life, compressed and compacted into a single entity. Perhaps I got more out of the relationship than she ever did. But I could never bring myself to regret anything that we've been through together from the moment she was born, anything, unless I knew that I had ever unwittingly brought harm or pain to her.

Closing the door turns out to be one of the hardest, most painful things I've ever had to do. It makes it feel final, like I'm not just shutting the door on her but on everything we've ever shared. As I make my way downstairs, there's a throbbing in my head and an aching in my chest that just seem to keep getting stronger and stronger, almost as if by a mind of their own, intent on taking me down. On my way out, I receive a menacing glare from Cullen, but even worse is the horrified look on Bella's face, as if I'd betrayed her. She had, after all, asked me to come to make her daughter feel better. And I'd gone and done the exact opposite. But I can't bring myself to say a single word, not even to utter a whispered apology. I just feel drained, like I've been stripped of my life force. The one consolation I have is that I'm giving Nessie a chance, a chance to live, a chance to be. And if I have to suffer for it, then so be it.

The moment I'm outside, I burst into a run, and the tears that I could never let her see start to blur my vision. Once I'm far enough away, I phase into the one true form that I've always found solace in, but for the first time I find nothing there. Just emptiness. Because this, who I am, is both the blessing that brought me Nessie and the curse that's threatening to steal her away. Or may already have.

As I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces, I let out a long, dismal howl into the distance.


	3. Eight Days, Twelve Hours, And Thirty Min

A/N: Thanks for everyone's continuing support whether it be silent or not! We do love those reviews though, and we hope you enjoy this chapter. :)

**JAKE**

It's been a week. A week since I last saw her, last heard her voice. No, not a week. Eight days and twelve hours. Make that twelve-and-a-half hours. Eight days, twelve hours, and thirty minutes since I last spoke to her, and I could give you the seconds too if you wanted. It's been that long and she hasn't called. Not once. I know it was my suggestion that we do this, but I only did it with her wellbeing in mind, yet until now I still don't know if it's done her any good. Or bad. Knowing that she doesn't want me near hurts, but not nearly as much as not knowing how she is. Because I always have. I've always known.

I've never gone this long without her before. The last week I've been all but an empty shell, going through the motions, constantly wondering… is she happy now? Has she finally found what she's always wanted, deep down? Is that why she still hasn't called, because she's busy moving on, or is it that she's waiting for me to call? Does she want me to call? Should I? Would she answer? Would that just make things hard for her?

"Hey, will you stop being such a girl already. Time to go," I hear Paul say impatiently. It takes me a minute to register what he means by 'go'. Go where? Patrolling. Right. Time to go. I'm up, I'm up, Paul. As I start to get up, he grumbles, "You'd think he'd be over it by now." As if he doesn't understand the power of the imprint, the strength it can give you and the strength it can also take away from you in the absence of the one you're bound to. Yet somehow, I also refuse to believe that it's just that. Somewhere in my core is a cord that ties me to Nessie, one that transcends the magic of even the imprint itself. A cord that holds in its interwoven fibers my very love for her.

Only now it's a broken cord - she's not on the other end.

I try to scowl but I can't even manage that. This hollowness is just eating away at me alive, slowly breaking the surface of my skin, chewing straight through meat and flesh, gnawing mercilessly at the bones. Under normal circumstances Paul would've received an earful, but I don't even care anymore. He can say what he wants, his head has always been full of air anyway.

And he realizes it too. I've always snapped back. Especially with him. It never helped to have to hear his thoughts about my sister, of all people. And he knows it, that's the way our relationship has always been. It's not like we hate each other, but we've always picked fights and now he's starting to see that I've stopped taking the bait.

"Geez, she's made you lose your bite," he says as we walk outside, a mocking tone seeping into his voice. He's trying to egg me on, but it's not going to work. I give him a look, but that's it. I don't have the energy to bicker with him. If it's a fight that he wants, then he's going to have to look somewhere else. "Okay, whatever. But if I have to hear one more word about that little bitch in my head today-"

And that's it. That sets me off. At that moment, all the suppressed emotions burn and flare up and rise straight up from my chest, all the way up to my head. I turn around and punch him square in the jaw. "Don't you ever, _ever_ say anything like that about her again!" I yell at him. Inside, I really didn't want to punch him. As much as we get on each others' nerves, we've been through way too much for me to really want to hurt him - I still consider him a brother. If I were thinking clearly, I would've dismissed his rudeness because he's always been a jerk when it came to his mouth anyway.

But the sweet sense of release somehow manages to fill the void that Nessie's left in my existence, even if it is only temporary. Temporary, but I can make it last. Paul jerks his head back and mutters a stream of profanities, and I take this as my chance to use his volatility to my advantage. To stretch it out and force it to keep coming. And he's not helping either. "Just because you're too much of a wimp to tell her straight up-" Feeling a rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins, I lunge at him and we both start to tackle each other in a noisy, grunting brawl. I manage a few blows myself, but he gets me in the eye good and hard, and then drives his iron fist into my gut.

And suddenly I realise how good it feels. Better than unleashing my own strength to let off steam, this excruciating physical pain actually dulls the hurt and loneliness that's been consuming my soul. Every single blow I take comes one step closer to overshadowing the agony of being without Nessie. Subconsciously, my instincts continue to work, wrestling him back, and though he's bigger than me, I know that it needn't go any further than this point if I don't really want it too. Because we're still more or less equals in strength, which means that neither of us really has the upper hand.

Until he phases. He lets out a loud, angry growl and phases. And that just blows the fuse - the signals get blocked midway and the whole bloody circuit crashes. The massive gray wolf pounces onto me, crushing me to the ground. Rationally, this should be where I undertake the transformation myself, to fight him on a level playing field. But I don't want to, I don't want to phase. The crack of a rib in my chest almost seems to give me a high, because for just an instant, I can forget. Maybe he would back off if I didn't force him to keep coming, but that's what I do. I provoke him. I shout at him, telling him he's weak, telling him that the only reason my sister's with him is because she has no choice. Every single fear I've ever harboured about my relationship with Nessie, I dump it all on him.

And that's too much. I know it's too much. I feel the claws sink into my flesh as something else in my body, I'm not sure what, gets crushed too. And again. And again. And boy does it feel good. It doesn't just hurt - it's like an explosion of purgatory, like Hell itself, wrapped up in red-hot flaming ribbons just for me. But crazy as it sounds, it actually does feel so good. The smell of my own blood tainting the air, the vile, metallic taste of it as it pools in my mouth - every little bit of torture seems to push the emotional pain further and further back, every physical tear muffling yet another wound in my heart.

Then slowly, my mind starts to cloud over, though if it's from the bleeding or the trauma I can't tell. Maybe it's both. Maybe it's neither. I don't know. What I do know is that I can hear the others now. I can feel them prying the snarling wolf off my body and I can hear Quil's frantic voice calling to me. And it turns out that the masking really was only temporary. The same throbbing I'd felt just over a week ago as I left the Cullen residence returns to pound in my head, and the very same ache starts to swell up again in my chest. And then the pain, pain in every sense of the word, comes crashing down on me like a ten-foot tidal wave.

**NESSIE**

I'd felt hollow every day for the last eight days. Like I had no reason to live. Like I had no soul, no heart, nothing on the inside. I was just a shell. A lost lonely, abandoned shell, who had forgotten what the light looked like as she adjusted to live in the dark. I had spent the first two days refusing to get out of bed. And while dad was encouraging me to try and survive somehow, mom was understanding. When dad had left her she had felt the same. She had slipped into this nothing world for months. She always pulled dad away when he was encouraging me to hunt, or visit the family at the main house, or go shopping with Alice. And all of the Cullens had been to see me regularly to try their hand at persuading me to move, or to eat. None had been very successful. Only Uncle Jasper because I could tell how much my pain hurt him. And then Jasper hadn't been to visit again, but he had apparently passed on how I felt because some started to come visit more earnestly while others tried to give me time, as if in reaction to his words.

My dad always seemed confused in what to say to me. I'm guessing because he knew what was in both of our heads. He didn't want to see me hurt, but I think he was glad that Jacob didn't want me, they had after all never been friends. And I'm not entirely sure that dad was a fan of imprinting, though he accepted it. Mom on the other hand had spent hours on the phone with Billy those first few days. I don't know why she thought that would change anything, but it didn't. And sometimes I wondered if Jacob was hurting as deeply as I was because mom always seemed more worried when she got off the phone, filled with concern for Jake, I assumed. At those times I wanted to go to him, to check on him, but then the truth would stab through my heart all over again. He didn't want me there. He didn't want me to help him if he was hurting. He was trying to wrestle his way from me, from the imprint.

On the third day after dad demanded it of me, I got out of bed, showered and dressed. Rosalie had set me off that day. She had said disparaging words about Jacob being an untrustworthy, worthless dog. And I had done something I had never done before. I had attacked my family, with more ferocity than anyone thought I had. It had taken Uncle Emmett and dad to pull me off. And then I freed myself of them and finally went hunting, draining several large animals of their blood, until my hunger and rage at rose felt sated. I had refused to apologize. Rose hadn't been around since and neither had Uncle Emmett. And slowly, I pushed everyone away, alienated them, so that I truly was as alone as I felt, only my parents could seem to stand me. And that's how I've spent my days. On the edge of my seat, waiting for every knock on the door or telephone ring to be him. Wondering if he was okay. Wondering if hearing my voice would do for him what I imagined hearing his voice would do for me.

Without Jacob I felt dead, lackluster, like I possessed nothing worthy of the outside world, or anyone else. The only twisted part is that I would never be able to die. The wolves would never hurt me because I was Jacob's imprint. And no vampire would be able to get to me through all of my family and the wolves. "Don't think like that," my dad said, the sadness clear in his voice. I looked up at him and he looked tired and haggard, almost as he had when I was born from constantly worrying about mom and maybe losing her. And I felt immediately guilty for hurting him. "I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice hoarse from disuse.

The phone rang and my heart soared with hope, the light shining in my eyes again for just a moment. Mom answered it. She was already in the kitchen, making food to try and entice me into eating. I wondered if it would be him, if he finally had time for me, if he finally missed me enough to call. My ears perked up, listening. "Oh, hey, Billy," mom said, sounding as disappointed as I felt. My heart crashed down to my feet. He was probably just calling for mom, maybe to say some of the wolves would be patrolling nearby. And Jake still didn't want to talk to me. But then I felt mom's hand on my shoulder. "Ness...Billy wants to talk to you..."

I stared at her as if not understanding. Billy wanted to talk to me? And as realization dawned, I felt desperation fill me, as I felt panic creep into my stomach, twisting it into knots, and tears filling my eyes. I saw the look of horror on my dad's face and shook my head at my mom. "No..." I said to her, wishing that it wasn't a phone call for me. No one had called me for weeks, why couldn't that continue? If Billy wanted to talk to me then it couldn't be good. Either Jacob had truly left and even left town, or he had found someone else, or he was hurt. And I didn't want any of those things. "You should really take it," dad urged me. And I felt myself rise, my legs felt like lead as I struggled to make them work and walk me to the phone.

"Hello?" I croaked out, my voice hoarse from disuse and unshed tears.

"Nessie... it's Jake," Billy said, my worst fears confirmed. I felt my heart freeze in my chest as I waited to know what about Jake. My breath hitched as I tried not to cry. "He and Paul got into a fight..." What else was new? The two of them always fought. Why did I need to know this? "Paul phased. Jake didn't. He's been hurt really badly..."

"Doesn't he heal?" I whispered softly, already knowing the answer I was going to hear.

"He's not this time," Billy answered me. "You should come see him..."

The way Billy said it made it sound like I should come see him again now if I wanted to see him alive. The phone fell from my hand and clattered to the floor. What had I done? Had I sent him away to never see him again? I felt the whole world slip away, I couldn't focus on anything in front of me, or around me. I didn't hear the phone hit the floor, or see the arrival of my parents. And I wasn't aware of anything for the next ten minutes, until it all really sunk in. I couldn't never see Jake again. Almost like a jack in the box, I sprang from the couch where my parents had settled me, and barely mumbled an "I'll be back." before tearing out of the house and running through the forest at super human speed to the reservation.

I reached Jacob's house and knocked on the door. I heard scuffling around on the other side and was surprised to see all of both packs at Jake's small home. "Billy, is he...?" I couldn't bring myself to say dead. He had to heal. He just had to. He had to heal and come back to me.

Billy led me inside. "He's in his room. He's been slipping in and out of consciousness. He keeps talking about you." This made me happier than I'd been in weeks. He still cared about me. When this happened he wanted to see me.

"Though I don't know why," I heard Paul mutter. And it was then that I felt the tension in the room. The tension that seemed to all be focused towards me. As I looked around the room I realized that Billy's was the only friendly face that I saw. Even the imprints didn't seem to want me here. It was like I was unwelcome somewhere that had always had open arms for me.

"What?" I whispered. Because maybe Jake really did hate me. Maybe I truly wasn't welcome with the pack anymore.

"This is all your fault," Rachel accused me from her spot by Paul, her eyes swollen and her cheeks streaked with tears.

I was confused and maybe I shouldn't have reacted, but I hadn't felt any emotion in so long that it felt like an explosion. "And what about your Neanderthal of a wolf man? Isn't he the one who trampled Jake?"

"You were the one who ruined him," she practically shrieked at me. "You were the one who sent him away!"

The room seemed to close in on me. Was this true? Had I played any part in Jake's getting hurt? I would never forgive myself if that were true. Rachel had always been most accepting of me, and now she was sending me away. She didn't say I couldn't see Jake, because we all knew what the imprint was like, but the implication of her glare was that I should do the right thing and leave. I needed to know what happened. And I needed to know from the horse's mouth. "I have to..." I didn't finish my sentence before turning down the hall and going to Jake's room.

The tears could no longer be held back as I took in the look of Jacob's broken, swollen, beaten body. Every inch of him seemed to be covered in bruises, swollen, bloody, or be sitting at an awkward angle. "Oh, no, Jake," I moaned, desperate for his eyes to open and look at me. I had for the last week not thought that I could feel any worse, but this moment made me realize how wrong I was. All the secret hope that I kept hidden inside was now crushed. Jake would probably die. And then I'd never be able to tell him how I felt. I moved around his bed almost silently like I didn't want to disturb anything. I sat down in the chair next to the side of the bed he was situated on. "Jake," I said again, hoping for a response. "Jake, please. Open your eyes. Heal. Don't leave me. Come back to me. Please. I need you. I need you more than you know. I can't not have you in my life. That day, everything got so messed up....misunderstood...I never wanted you to leave. Never." I try to make there be so much conviction in my words that he has to wake up. "Please wake up," I begged him again. When it had been a few minutes and he didn't miraculously recover, I looked over him again. Scared to touch him. I didn't want to hurt him. So I rose to my feet and climbed into the bed next to him, curling up around him. "Please," I kept whispering over and over, silent tears running down my face, as I waited for something from him.


	4. Letting Go, Giving In

A/N: Hope you guys enjoy this chapter. We still don't own anything. And this is still from me and Nicole. This chapter's a little longer than the last one. And please review for us. :)

**JACOB**

The world is swimming in my head. Swimming round and round in dizzy circles. Or am I the one swimming? I can't tell, but every bit of me feels like it's been torn to shreds and chucked into a washing machine. An old clanky one. So this is how it feels like to be laundry. Except laundry can't feel. I can. Laundry can't bleed. I can. Laundry can't suffer from broken hearts. I'm not so lucky.

I wonder why Paul has stopped. Why isn't he carrying on? Why isn't he pounding me to bits? It's not enough to be shredded, I want to be dust. I can still feel, still see Nessie's face and the unspoken rejection. She would never say it to me. Never say it to my face, for fear of hurting me. But it hurt even more to know that she must be feeling it inside. That I was standing in the way of her happiness. It hurt even more than any blow Paul could ever drive into me with his fists. If I had known from the start, I would've jumped off a cliff way before she was even born if it meant I could have saved her all the trouble of uncertainty and doubt.

"Don't stop now, Paul," I mutter, still tasting the blood on my lip.

But Nessie. Nessie needs me. Let me go Paul, I need to get to her. Let me go you big blundering oaf.

"Nessie... I need to get to Nessie... "

No. She doesn't need me. She needs a life. A life that I'm depriving her of. I can't give her what can truly make her happy. She would never see me the same way I see her. I'm practically her Uncle Jake. Heck, she would think I'm dirty old Uncle Jake. Am I? Is it that wrong for me to love her, as more than my charge, as more than my friend? Is there some kind of rule that I would be breaking? But why is it okay for the other imprints and not for me, not for us?

I know why. Because she doesn't want it. The imprint is nothing but a vessel, or a bridge. It brings us together. But that's not enough. Where we go from there, we go by our own choices, our own decisions. I can't make that decision for her. And I won't let the imprint make it for her either.

The pain that comes with that thought hits me like a cannonball. A great big cannonball to the chest. I let out a groan and draw a staggered breath. Something's obstructing my airways. I can't breathe. I can't get air. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is where I flop over and die. No, wait, I'm still alive. I think. Would my absence, my complete absence, give Nessie peace, once and for all? Because I'd gladly egg Paul on again if that's what it takes. "You're getting soft, Paul. Give me all you've got."

"He's delirious. There aren't any bones left to break." I hear someone say. Is that Paul? Is that Paul saying I'm delirious? Or someone else? Someone suggests euthanizing me. I don't know if that's real or just in my head. Sounds like something a vamp would say. Like I'm some kind of shelter puppy or something. No way. Euthanasia's too darn swift. I want a long, hard painful death. Because that pain will block out all the sadness that I feel whenever I see Nessie's face in my head.

In fact I see her right now, as if she's right in front of me. I can see her and smell her and even hear her. She's saying my name, and I'm aching to tell her everything. After all, she's not real. She's just a figment of my imagination. Maybe I can pretend that this Nessie could somehow see me differently. Could I survive on a make-believe Nessie? Or would she turn away from me, even in my mind? Maybe all Nessies are the same.

No. There's only one Nessie. Just the one.

"Just one. Just one Nessie... but she would never... she would never love me that way," I whisper brokenly. It hurts to speak, and it hurts even more to say those words. It's like there's a conversation going on in my head, but I have absolutely no idea who I'm talking to. My conscience, maybe? The one with the halo? Or perhaps the one with the pitchfork. I can't tell which one's more evil. "You can't tell her. You'll hurt her. You'll hurt her... and then you'll drive her away. You'll lose her forever."

"I don't want to... I don't want to hurt her... but I already have. I've already lost her," I choke bitterly, feeling something slide down my face. Is that my tear? Have I been crying? I didn't think I was. "I love her so much... I love her... I'm a monster for wanting you that way, Nessie, I'm sorry... but I do... I love you..."

And then it comes. Even a proclamation of love to my imaginary soulmate can't escape punishment. Something constricts painfully inside. My gut. Or my heart. Or my brain. Where is my brain supposed to be again? Something. Everything. It's like being crushed under a truck. Or being set on fire. Or being crushed by a truck on fire. I cry out in agony, jerking my body, writhing against it, but that just makes it worse. It makes the pain worse.

And I _want_ to make it worse.

**NESSIE**

He's lying there. He's still unconscious. And he's perfectly still. If I wasn't lying next to him, pressed to his body, watching the rise and fall of his chest, I would think that maybe he was dead. Gone. Lost to me forever. "What happened?" I whispered to him. "Why didn't you fight back?" A bitter note enters my voice as I ask this question. Why wouldn't he fight back? Did he want this? Did he want to be like this? Did he want to be hurt? And why wouldn't he heal? "Why?" I whispered pleadingly to his still form, not expecting an answer. He was still unconscious after all.

"Come on, Jake," I pleaded as I watched him. I wanted him to wake up. I ached to reach out and touch him, to caress his forehead, to hold his hand. But I didn't want to cause him any further pain. I wondered if he could tell that I was here? Could he hear me? Could he feel me? Did he feel our connection like I did? I felt it, new and whole, and holding me to my spot. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to walk away from him again. I wanted to just lie with him forever.

"Just one...Just one Nessie..." I wondered briefly what he was talking about. One what. What did he need? I would give him anything I could, including my heart, if it would bring him back. "But she would never love me that way." I was floored by those words. What way? Was he really talking about the way that I already loved him? The way I assumed he couldn't love me? Could I be so lucky? Okay, so not lucky exactly, he is after all hurt, possibly beyond repair. But would my heart get what it was yearning for finally as the outcome of all of this? If that was true he had to get better.

I wasn't sure what to say. But I could no longer resist the urge to reach out and take his broken hand into mine. "Jake, I'm here..." I began before he started mumbling again. He said that he couldn't tell me, he would drive me away forever. I felt shocked. Did he really believe for a second that I didn't love him? That I could ever abandon him, if it wasn't what I thought he wanted. "No, it's not like that..." I stop, realizing that I'm arguing with a concussed or comatose man, I'm not even sure which, he's so badly beaten and torn apart.

He says he's already lost me, that he would be a monster to love me. And my heart constricts, I feel the air being sucked from my lungs after having just returned. He would probably never admit to his feelings out loud if he wasn't all messed up, if that's how he felt about it. Why would he feel repulsed at himself because he loved me? Is it because he's worried about how people might perceive us? Because he went from changing my diapers to now wanting to be with me? But everyone who mattered would understand. It was the nature of the imprint.

"No, Jake," I say to him softly, "You didn't lose me. I'm right here. Right next to you," I squeeze his hand slightly, running my thumb over the back of his bruised hand. "Just open your eyes and you'll see." I bit my bottom lip, slightly nervous, it was now or never. I had to plunge. On the off chance that he could hear me, I had to tell him. It seemed that he needed to hear it. "You're not a monster," I said matter of factly, "I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere. Ever. I'll always be by your side. Hell, I'll even move in here if that's what you want. Whatever you want." I chuckled slightly. "Because I love you too. And I never want to lose you again."

He still hadn't responded in anyway. I leaned over and kissed his forehead. "Please don't make me lose you now. Please, come back. Please heal." I was back to begging. And to make sure that I lived in a world where Jake existed, I wasn't above it. "Just open your eyes and you'll see that everything's fine. Everything's right again. I'm here."

Okay, so saying everything was fine might have been a stretch, but I wanted the idea of returning to me to sound appealing. And I worried that maybe he was in this state because of me like Paul and Rachel implied. Maybe me turning him away had driven him to this. Tears of guilt slid down my cheeks.

All I knew was that he couldn't die on me.

**JACOB**

Darkness. My mind is sucking me into a dark vortex of nothingness, and I keep willing it to drag me in deeper and deeper, waiting for it to come to a point where her absence would be less profound. But that doesn't happen. The closer I get to its empty core, the more I ache for her. I need the pain, I need it desperately to mask this constant yearning for Nessie, even if it's only momentary.

I'm just wondering how far off the edge I am, if I'm not already long gone, when I feel a familiar sensation. A smooth, cool, delicate hand, gently taking mine. I know this hand. I feel like I've known it all my life, and I've certainly known it all of hers. From the time when it was barely big enough to wrap around my finger right up till now that it fits perfectly around every groove, this hand has always felt like it was made to complement mine. And in this one moment, the darkness dissipates, replaced by what can only be described as an explosion of rainbows, and even that falls short of what it really feels like.

It is when I feel a slight pressure that I realise that the movement actually hurts. But her thumb moving over the back of my hand in a soothing caress is more than enough to make up for it. Am I hallucinating? Is she here? Or am I already dead? Is this heaven giving me all I've ever wanted, or hell showing me everything I'll never have?

"You're not a monster." That voice. I would know it anywhere. But what she's saying… what she's saying, so firmly and with so much conviction, must mean that she's only in my head. She's a figment of my imagination, responding to my fanciful declaration. I want to pull away, to stop my mind from rewarding itself with things it wants to hear, but I can't. Her hand is like an anchor, holding me in place.

She says that she'll always be by my side. She tells me that she'll move in with me if I wanted that. She sounds adamant, like she's willing to do anything, absolutely anything for me. It almost sounds like she's bargaining with me, like she'll do all this for me if I'll do something for her in return. I'm in the midst of wondering what this means, what it is that this Nessie wants from me, when I hear her chuckle softly, almost as if to herself. "…I love you too."

Suddenly it feels like my heart has started beating again after a long hiatus. I've imagined before what it might be like if she were to say those words to me, if it were ever possible, but nothing I've ever conjured up in my head has ever come close. Even without seeing her face, her words are laden with feeling, their meaning crystal clear. And hearing them is like having life breathed back into me. Life, which I was more than willing to give up just seconds ago.

How does the mind play these tricks on you?

Then I feel it. Her lips pressing against my forehead, lightly. My awareness of my surroundings is getting clearer and clearer, my senses increasingly heightened as I hear her voice, feel her touch, smell her scent. "Please don't make me lose you now. Please, come back. Please heal. Just open your eyes…" That's when everything starts falling into place. She's here. She's really right next to me and not just in my head. That's why she said she'd do anything for me… to get me to live.

And I cannot deny her. I can't and have never been able to deny her anything. She is my reason, and her beautiful voice, cracking with emotion, tells me all that I need to know – that she needs me. That alone is enough to restore my will to live. I can't be there for her as a corpse.

I draw a sharp breath. A breath in. A breath out. My hand stirs slightly in hers. The feeble strings tying me to consciousness are strengthened by her anxious calling to me and my renewed resolve to get back to her. I force my way through, struggling to regain control of my now-broken body.

I don't know how long it takes me, because I've lost all concept of time, but at long last I'm finally able to get my eyes to open. When I do, though, everything that just happened, what I heard and what went on in my head, becomes a blur. All I'm really certain of is that I need to be here. At first I have to squint, adjusting to the light. My left eye is still swollen half-shut as a result of coming into contact with Paul's fist, but the right is good enough to make up for the visual compromise. I turn my head, slowly overcoming the stiffness in my neck, and see her lying beside me. My Nessie. For real. I feel like I've just gone through an eternity without seeing her.

The first thing I notice is that she has tears in her eyes. It looks like she's been shedding them for a while, and that breaks my heart. The hand that she's holding still feels like it must be close to shattered, but I just manage to move it out of hers and drag my arm upwards so that I can reach out to touch her face. Gingerly, I brush the back of my bruised fingers over the dampness on her cheeks. "Ness…" I whisper hoarsely, offering her a crooked smile. "Don't cry… Come on, I don't look that scary, do I?"

**NESSIE**

I'm talking to him, pleading with him to come back to me, to be with me, to choose me over the abyss. Or maybe the reality inside his head is better than this one. Maybe he thinks coming back here to me, is like returning to an abyss and missing out on a great party or something. I don't know what he has in his mind, what's being offered to him on the other side. It could be anything. But I feel confident that he needs me, like I need him, and that I could give him anything he wanted, I could give him a life better than what he was imagining now. I had to be able to. I was his Nessie. And we loved each other. If his admission right then while he was unconscious was reliable that was. But right now, I didn't want to doubt it. I wanted to revel in it, even if it meant that I got my legs kicked out from under me later. I wanted to feel the happy thrill now.

And then he takes in a ragged breath. Deeper than his last, than all of his previous. And I froze, held my breath. Could it be? Could he be coming back to me? And then he stirred, his hand moved in mine. I watched him for what felt like an eternity on bated breath, and just when I started to believe that his stirring was a fluke, his eyes opened. And I couldn't stop the smile that spread across my lips, the strained nervous laugh that escaped from my chest as I felt my body relax. He was back. Everything was right again. "Welcome back," I said to him with a warm smile, though the tears were still rolling down my cheeks. "I was so scared," I tell him honestly, letting everything just tumble out of my mouth. "I thought I was going to lose you forever. You can't do that to me, okay? You can't leave me ever again." I try to give him another smile, to joke, to make it light, but I fall short, more tears streaking down my cheeks. I want to move closer to him, to hold him, but I'm terrified of causing him more pain than he's already in.

It's then that his hand reaches up to wipe away my tears. And it seems like everything is truly right and good between us, perfect even. I know in that moment that our time apart hasn't destroyed us, our friendship, or love? Or my love at the very least hasn't been destroyed by the distance. I know he has no hard feelings about the mistakes that we have made in the past. I know that he's still there for me. That he forgives me. This one single touch says all of that. And I lean into his warm hand, into his touch. I want more of it. I want to be closer to him. I want to spend forever in this bed, just pressed against his side with no distance between us.

"Don't cry... Come on, I don't look that scary do I?" He asks me, and he's back to being himself, making a joke at his own expense to make me feel better. I shake my head, tears still streaming down my cheeks. It's like now that I can feel relief. Now that I know everything's going to be okay, I can't stop the flood of emotions in me, I can't close the dam that is letting these tears escape, even though I try for his sake. I'm not sure why, maybe because I'm still on a high from his possibly fake declaration of love, but I find myself saying. "Of course not, you're beautiful." I blush slightly. I know he's beaten and bruised and battered, but he's still beautiful to me. He could never be anything less.

But it's then that relief starts to leave me, and worry starts to set in again. He still isn't healing. There's no marked, visible improvement in him. What if this is just one last goodbye? Why wasn't he healing? And the most important question. "Jake, what happened?" I ask him quietly. I don't want to push, but I am curious, I want to know. I lean over and wipe away a few stray tears that he's shedding as I take his hand as gently as I can and lower it back to his side. "Don't strain yourself," I say tenderly. I can't stand to see the pain that was in his eyes at just reaching out to touch me. I scoot closer to him. "I'm here," I assure him, "Right next to you, and I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

**JACOB**

"Welcome back," she says. It's so good to hear her voice and see her face at the same time. But immediately I feel a stab of guilt at the realisation of what I must've just put her through. She really was afraid, afraid that I would die on her. I put myself in her shoes for a moment, switching places, and even the thought of it makes me shudder. What was I thinking?

When she leans into my touch, I find that I can easily ignore the pain that comes with it, because I know that we're okay. It doesn't matter how we feel about each other, it doesn't matter if she'll never return my love for her in the way that I wish she could. None of that matters as much as this, this closeness, this bond between us. Everything else is secondary. I can live without her having those kind of feelings for me, but I can't live without her. Ever. I've learned that over the last week.

She shakes her head at my half-jesting question, but it seems like I've only made her cry even more. I let out a laugh when she denies it and tells me I'm beautiful. Yeah right. Okay, not a good idea, that hurts. I feel a broken rib poking into something it shouldn't and try not to let it show. I know she's already worried enough as it is. I can't put her through any more than I already have.

"Jake, what happened?" she asks softly before gently brushing away the tears that I hadn't even realised had been sliding down my face and bringing my hand back down from its awkward position by her cheek, telling me not to strain myself.

At that I close my eyes briefly and sigh, the events leading up to this slowly coming back to me. The empty hollow I'd been living in since the last time I'd seen her, the fight with Paul, my choosing not to phase as he continued to attack. Everything. How could I tell her that? How could I tell her that in that moment, I'd just wanted to let him beat me to death? That would break her heart for sure. Haven't I done that enough already?

When I open my eyes again, there's a strange sense of relief, as if I thought that she might have disappeared while I wasn't looking. But she moves closer and assures me that she's not going anywhere, and I believe her. Yet… wasn't that what I'd been worried about before? That her connection to me would tie her down and keep her from all the other things she deserves to have in her life?

"I don't know… I don't know what got into me…" I admit to her, and it really is true. I hadn't planned on doing anything drastic. I'd told her I'd always be around if she needed me – there was no way I would have consciously made the decision to go back on that promise. But in the heat of the moment, the physical pain had somehow sucked me in, dulling the ache of her persistent absence, and I'd thought… well, I would rather have that. But again, how could I possibly tell her that when I know it would make her feel responsible for all this? Even though she isn't. She could never be at fault. The fault was mine from the start.

I can't help but wonder though... how did she do during the time that I hadn't been to see her? Had she been at all happier that way? Is she only here because she thought that I might die? Because when I look into her eyes, I see that they're still filled with so much concern… but also something else. Remnants of her fear. "I'm so sorry, Nessie… for putting you through all this…"

**NESSIE**

As I take his hand away from my face, it seems like he is disappointed, like his body goes slack, like he is weighed down by something that I don't understand. Did he think I was rejecting him? I could never reject him. And I would never push him away from me again. I would never assume that his life could be better without me again. He doesn't say it, but I have a feeling that my absence had a hand in this. And I will carry that guilt forever, even if he makes it. Even if he survives.

He tells me that he doesn't know what got into him. But there's a distance in his eyes. One that makes me wonder if this statement is the full truth. Or if he's trying to protect me and my feelings from something. I scoot closer to him, if that were possible and rest my head on his chest to prove that we're still close as ever. I hear him take in a rattling breath and immediately pull away again, having forgotten that my actions might have hurt him. Usually nothing I can do can actually cause him physical pain. "I'm sorry," I apologize immediately.

I then say jokingly to him. "You know, you should hurry up and heal," I tell him with a small grin. So that I could be near him while I was here. I then make a decision. Now that I have him back in my life, and he's in this state, I say matter-of-factly. "I'm going to stay with you tonight." there's no room for argument in my tone. And I hope that he doesn't send me away. It wouldn't be like this would be our first sleep over. Possibly our first since I developed feelings for him. But not our first.

I shake my head and hold up a hand to halt his apology. None of that matters now. His loosing his mind momentarily and letting Paul phase on him. His walking away. None of that matters. What matters is that we're together again. "Don't worry about it," I tell him sincerely. "The past is in the past. Just promise me you'll never walk away again. It was like part of me was missing the whole time. I need you. You're my best friend. And..." I paused, wondering if I could say it out loud to him when he was conscious, and hoped that he would understand how I meant it, "I love you."

**JACOB**

She's so close. So close that I wish we could just stay like this forever. Who cares about the world when this is all that matters? But when she rests her head on my chest, I can't stop myself from pulling a sharp, unsteady breath at the pain. Okay, maybe not _exactly_ like this forever. I don't want to cringe every time she touches me, or she'd just end up staying away.

She does pull away, but only just. Because she's afraid she might hurt me. Then she jokingly tells me off, "You know, you should hurry up and heal." She's speaking lightheartedly, smiling even, but I know that seeing me this way is hurting her deeply. And she shouldn't have to… she shouldn't have to see me this way. She doesn't need this extra burden. I'm going to listen to her. I need to will this broken body to heal. But with the extensive damage, this is going to take a while, and even though I don't want us to be apart for another second, I contemplate sending her home, at least to spare her from having to watch me this way, at least until I get better.

What she says next, though, I didn't see coming. "I'm going to stay with you tonight." She says it so firmly that I can't even say no. I know when she's adamant about something, and I can tell now from her tone that she's not going to budge if my only reason for objection is so that she doesn't have to go through this with me. I know she'll want to, just like I would always want to be with her whenever she's in pain.

And then she shakes her head at my apology, insisting to me that the past is the past. Perhaps… but I will never forgive myself for ever causing her pain, intentionally or not. She didn't deserve that, not in the slightest. "Just promise me you'll never walk away again. It was like part of me was missing the whole time. I need you." So she'd felt it too. I sigh to myself, wondering how things had gotten so misunderstood. It wasn't what either of us had wanted.

"I promise," I reply, nodding as best I can. "I would never have done it if I didn't think it was the best thing for you at the time. I was wrong, I see that now. And I've made us both suffer because of that."

She tells me I'm her best friend, and I'm glad. I'm glad she still sees me that way, glad she's not so upset with me that she'd rather not see me again. I realize right then how history had repeated itself, how I'd walked away from her the same way her father had walked away from Bella. I had cursed him then, thinking he was cruel, thinking he was selfish – but now I know what it's like, to do something because you think it's the right thing. Even if it's not.

"And... I love you."

That's when I do a double take. I know she does. But the way she just said it this time is just like how she said it moments ago in my head. I study her face carefully, trying to gauge exactly what she means by that, in exactly which context. But that's not enough. We owe it to ourselves and each other to put everything out on the table. No more secrets, no more suppressed feelings. Even if I'm reading her all wrong – it doesn't matter, I can deal with that, but we do need to clear the air between us once and for all.

"Nessie, we need to talk," I say softly before pulling myself up slightly, feeling some strength starting to return. I hold her gaze for one long hard moment. "I need to tell you something."


	5. Standing on the Edge of a Precipice

**A/N: We still don't own Twilight. This is a collaboratiion with me and Nicole. We loved all the reviews that we got from you guys last time. And we hope to hear from you again this time. :) Hope you enjoy this chapter. Let us know what you think: good, bad, or indifferent.**

**NESSIE**

I watch him wince as he struggles for a moment to raise himself up. I hate that he's in so much pain, I hate that he's hurt at all. I wish there was something that I could do to try and make this whole thing better. I wish I could take all of his pain away, feel it myself instead. It tears at my heart and I want to tell him to lie back down, to relax, that things can be said later, that nothing is important right now, important enough to disturb him, to agonize him.

He promises to stay with me, said he thought it was for the best. "How could it have been for the best?" I ask of him, trying to understand what was going through his head. How could he ever think I wanted him to go? "I never wanted you to go..." I trail off, "When you left, I thought you wanted it. That you wanted a life that I wasn't so prominent in. that maybe you wanted a girlfriend or something." I blush. It all sounds so silly now. Did he want a girlfriend or not? Did it even really matter? If he had he probably would've just said so, we were best friends after all, right. "But I never wanted you to go," I insist again. I was letting him go if it made him happy, happier than he could be with me.

And then his tone of voice stops me dead in the middle of talking and trying to explain. He wants to talk. He says that he needs to tell me something. And I felt fear creep into my being again. My heart constricted and the breath started to slip away from my lungs. What if he had to tell me that he didn't really love me too? That that had just been coma talk. That he had maybe found someone else. That I was his best friend and nothing more. I found it hard to meet his eyes again. I had to prepare myself for what he had to say. I put on a mask and built a wall around my fragile heart as best I could before looking at him again. "What is it?" I try to keep my voice from shaking in fear of what he might say and from sounding distant as I even tried to distance myself from the situation.

**JACOB**

I was right. We should have been honest with each other. When she asks me how I thought it could have been for the best and then goes on to say that she thought I had left because it was what I wanted, I realize exactly how screwed up things really got along the way. I had only wanted it because I thought she did. Now I'm finding out that she thought I wanted a girlfriend? How far that is from the truth! And to think that the whole time we were apart, she never knew what my intentions were; she'd actually believed that I didn't want her anymore. That was even harder to take in, the fact that she'd had to suffer with that assumption for that long.

And we both did. We both went through it, broke down because of it. Or in my case, _broke_ because of it. All because of a silly miscommunication. I can't have that, for either of us. We really do need to clear this up right now. I don't want her thinking for a moment longer that I'd abandoned her for that. "It wasn't like that at all," I say as look at her sadly. "Things just got so seriously misunderstood… I thought you needed space. When you asked me if I ever felt stifled, I thought that was how you felt – especially after the break-up with Mike. I thought I was holding you back, that because of the imprint you couldn't experience all the things a normal girl your age – well, forget the technicalities – would want to have. I didn't want to be the one to clip your wings."

I then pause for a brief moment. "…you thought I wanted a girlfriend?" I ask as a small teasing smile slowly creeps across my face. How could I ever want anyone else? I chuckle slightly. "Silly girl."

But when she asks what it is that I want to talk to her about, I feel the smile slip away. There's something in her tone that tells me she's hesitant. And she's not quite meeting my gaze. I reach out and tilt her chin up slightly, wanting her to look at me fully, forgetting that my arm's still in rebel mode. I hiss sharply at the sudden pain and let it fall back to my side. "Gee, Paul really did a great job," I joke as I lean back and close my eyes for a moment. Heal, heal, heal, damn it. Why did I ask for this? Finally I look at her again, only to find worry there. "Sorry. I'll be okay, don't worry…"

Then I know I can't hold it back anymore. "Nessie, I… I have a confession to make." I need to steel myself up for the rejection. I can deal with it, but I need to be prepared for it. Because no matter what the outcome, I still want to be with her, as long as she wants me to be. Even if she only wants me around as a friend, I know I can't live without her anymore. "You know when you first started going out with Mike? And you told me about your first kiss with him?"

I remember listening intently to every word, smiling at knowing she was getting to be a typical teenager. But deep down inside, something had stirred… "I realized something then. Please don't freak out, okay?" I say slowly, carefully following her every reaction. "…I realized then that… I was jealous. Jealous of Mike. And I didn't know if I should be feeling that way. You've known me all your life as something like a big brother."

"I know, I know how the imprint is… I mean, it's just that, I didn't want the imprint to force you into anything, just because of it what it was," I explain, hoping she can see where I'm coming from, however she feels about what I'm telling her. "I wanted you to have the freedom to choose your own path."

At least she's listening. At least she's hearing me out. I can't stand to hide anything from her, not anymore. Maybe that was why all this happened – we've never had any real secrets from each other… except until recently, and it was that that had put a strain on our relationship. But not anymore. "And I want you to know that I still do. I will always want that for you. But… I just can't not tell you anymore, Ness." I stop, my eyes burning into hers. I feel like she can see right through them, straight into my heart, my soul.

And if I'd had just let her see from the start, I know she would have.

"Nessie… I love you."

**NESSIE**

"You could never, ever, hold me back," I said when he mentioned that he thought he might clip my wings. I put so much emphasis on the word ever that it felt like the feelings and power behind it should have moved the Earth. "I want you with me for everything I do. You make everything I do and accomplish, better. You're the only one I really want to share anything and everything with. You could never stifle me." I want to elaborate, but it seems like he has more to say, some more confession than just that to make. He wants to tell me something else, and I'm struggling to hear it, unsure if my heart can take it, can take the words that might come next.

"Silly girl." He says to me teasingly about my thoughts that he might have wanted a girlfriend. It hadn't seemed silly at all when I thought it. I mean I wanted a boyfriend. Granted, I wanted that boyfriend to be him, but I could settle, who knew what he wanted. But now it seemed like the silliest thought in the world. In light of everything that he had said. He wanted our relationship. He wanted my friendship. He wanted that over anything else. And selfishly I was glad. Even if he didn't want anything romantic with me, I would probably still always come first. I could keep him to myself for longer. And that thought brought me peace.

"Geez, Paul did a really good job." He rasps out to me and I cringe at the expression on his face, at how awkward his arm looks reaching towards me. I realize that I have to look him in the eye. As much as his next words have the potential to crush me. I can't cause him any more pain, physical or otherwise. I have to be brave, I have to be strong. I have to will myself to meet his eyes. "It's not funny," the words are supposed to sound reprimanding, but they come out weak, because I have a hard time truly yelling at him when his health is so precarious, when he might not be okay at all. He tells me not to worry. And while hearing the words and his voice does bring me some solace, it brings me little comfort. How can I not worry when his whole body is broken and as far as I can tell it's not even healing? I want to demand the answer to that question, but his next question about Mike catches me off guard, and I'm left helpless to do anything other than nod.

And then his explanation turns more serious, turns to the things I'm afraid to hear. Only, he says everything I want to hear him say. I'm stuck staring at him, stunned into silence, mute, for long minutes on end. His eyes are boring into mine and I can come up with nothing to say in response. Nothing. Because part of me is terrified that this is a dream, that I'll wake up still lying next to unconscious, beaten Jake, and none of this would have happened. "What?" is the first thing that I manage to squeak out as I stand on the precipice of getting everything that I ever wanted. And it's then that he avoids my eyes.

He thinks I don't love him. My heart feels like it's breaking at the thought. I feel like I've been punched in the gut by Uncle Emmett. Could he really know so little about how I feel for him? A big smile spreads across my face as the idea that he wants me like I want him sets in. And ironically the smile has some part to do with the fact that my rejection could hurt him so much. It's good to know that we can feel the same way completely, that it physically looks like my perceived rejection hurts just as much as his had hurt me. "Jake," I say quietly, reaching out and touching my hand to his cheek lightly. "Look at me please," the happiness is evident in my voice.

When his eyes wouldn't meet mine, I gave a small sigh, but plowed ahead anyway. He needed to know. "You remember when I started dating Mike?" I asked him. "How I asked you if you thought it was a good idea?" He gave the smallest of nods. "I asked you that because I was hoping you'd say it wasn't. I was hoping you'd say you wanted to date me." That sounded pretty lame. Because if Jake and I ever did get together it would be so much more than just dating. "I've been in love with you and only you since I've been interested in boys." I pray that he'll look up at me.

"I love you Jake," I emphasize to him. "Always have. Always will." To me it was as simple as that. He had been the only man I'd ever loved and he would be the only man I would ever love.

**JACOB**

I immediately feel bad when she scolds me lightly for joking about the pain. Somehow it almost feels as if I'm the one watching her suffer from broken bones, even though I know for a fact that the damage done to my body is real. Very real. Like hell if I ever let anything like this happen to her. Still, I can't help but grin at her feeble attempt to get me to take this seriously. She doesn't have the heart to really get angry at me right now. I can tell.

But when I make my confession, when I tell her that I love her, I practically get no response. She's just staring at me blankly, like she doesn't want to believe what I just said. Great, did I really just creep her out by telling her that? I feel my heart start to sink when she manages a tiny squeak. "What?" Did I just ruin everything? Are things going to be awkward between us now? Did all the magic that was between us just before disappear for her as soon as I said that?

Taking a deep breath, I look away. I couldn't have not told her. I believe that she would've wanted to know, whether or not she approved of what I felt. Still, it doesn't make the moment any easier. But I can handle it – as long as I don't lose her again. I couldn't deal with that a second time, that's for sure. I feel her cool hand on my cheek as she asks me to look at her. That's when I hear something different in her voice. She almost sounds relieved, elated even. There's a smile on her lips, but I still dare not hope, averting my gaze just enough to keep me grounded.

Then she starts talking about Mike again, and yes, of course I remember her asking me if it was a good idea. And I thought it was. I thought it was good for her to experience that. "I asked you that because I was hoping you'd say it wasn't," she says, making me blink and suddenly I feel like I can't keep my eyes away from her much longer. Is she going where I think she's going with this? "I was hoping you'd say you wanted to date me."

Now it's my turn to stare at her mutely, at a loss for words. I must be dreaming again. Paul must've hit me in the head so hard that I'm probably still in stuck in my own little world up there. "I've been in love with you and only you since I've been interested in boys." Slowly, I bring my eyes back up to meet her penetrating gaze as she tells me what I'd been secretly hoping she would. That she loves me too. "Always have. Always will."

I feel a slow smile start to spread across my face. How things got so screwed up, I have no idea, but knowing that it had all brought us to this moment, I would gladly go through it all over again. In a heartbeat. "You know what I'm going to do the moment I've healed, right?" The smile widens into a sheepish, lopsided grin. "I'm going to kiss you. For real this time."


	6. A Vampire's Warning

**A/N: Sorry it's been such a long time between updates. I've been bogged down in summer classes. At the beginning of next month I'm moving. So I'm gonna try and post at least one more update before then, and then it might be a few weeks before I'm settled and can get the next up. We're so glad you guys are enjoying this so far! I hope you continue to enjoy it. And be kind in reading this chapter. Try to remember Nessie is still a teenager, despite rapid aging and her being special and yadda yadda yadda. She's still just a kid. Let us know what you think. We love to hear from you. Anything you wanna tell us. :)  
**

**JAKE**

Three weeks. It's been three weeks since I made it to heaven and I'm still there. How else can I describe it, when I'm walking into a party with Nessie on my arm? Okay, so the room is filled with squealing teenagers dancing to music that makes me feel like an old fart. But that doesn't matter. None of that matters. I'm with Nessie, my Nessie, and I couldn't be happier.

As we make our way in, I notice some poor kid trip and nearly stomp on his pretty little partner's foot. I grin mischievously as I lean down and whisper into Nessie's ear, "Bet you ten bucks I can get through the night without stepping on your toe?"

**NESSIE**

The last three weeks have been nothing but perfect. I've had Jacob the way that I wanted him for a long time. And most everyone was happy. I say most everyone because my dad seemed to cringe every time the two of us were in his presence, probably from the thought of what all our jumbled swirling in love thoughts meant. Tonight though. Tonight dad had given me an angry glare and warned Jacob to be careful with me. As if Jacob would need telling twice, as if Jacob would need to be reminded to protect me. But I knew what it was about tonight.

Okay, so I've had Jake, yes, and things have been amazing, yes, even if it has been advancing faster than my father would like. But lately I've been noticing Jacob's closeness to my mom. And deep down, I know that Jake isn't into my mom. But it bugs me. It makes me wonder. It gives me doubt. Though I know mom would never leave dad, I worry that he still feels that way about her. That Jake still wants her. And even if he doesn't, I haven't been able to stop thinking that no matter what, everything Jacob and I have done, he's done with my mom before. My mom and no one else as far as I know. And it's weird to feel like your mother is your competition, or is what you're being compared to. Do I kiss as good as her? Does he want me like he wanted her? More? Is the love the same and just transferred to another person? I feel so confused. Because well I should know better, she's my mother. But nothing in our crazy world is easy or simple and very little of it makes sense.

So I'd started thinking that I needed to have a piece of Jake to myself. Something that I could share with him that no one else had yet. I had to sleep with Jake. And so when a friend, Marissa, had told me about her party tonight, a plan had formed. One that involved me, alcohol, Jake, and being away from my dad, so that making love would even be in the realm of possibility.

"Bet me ten bucks I can get through the night without stepping on your toe?" he speaks against my ear. His hot breath causes goose bumps to break out on my skin and a tingle of exhilaration to run down my spine. It was unfair the effect he had on me so easily when I seemed like I had to work so hard sometimes for a reaction from him. But his words made me chuckle. "Been spending way too much time with Embry..." Embry always wanted to make everything into a bet. I shook my head and said lightly. "You have a few unfair advantages." I winked at him. "I'm not taking that bet." I smile up at him and leaned in to speak into his ear while he was still bent down to my height. "But I will take a dance."

And after that maybe a drink.

**JACOB**

I snort when she tells me I've been spending too much time with Embry. Fair enough if she won't take the bet. We've got better things to do. "Glad you said that," I reply with a smile before straightening up and leading her onto the dance floor. Almost everyone else was already dancing, so why not? Why not jump straight in into the fun?

It's strange how even something this small, so seemingly insignificant, could feel so fulfilling. Dancing with Nessie not just as the big best friend she grew up around, but as something much more than that. The amazing thing is how completely natural all this feels. Just being with her this way feels so right, no matter how much Cullen wishes otherwise. He did, after all, give me a stern warning earlier. I'd met his fiery glare with a good hard stare of my own, because as much as he hates to admit it, he knows that Nessie means more to me than my own life.

But deep down, I suppose I can see where he's coming from. I would never say that aloud, but I can only imagine what it must be like to watch – and hear – Nessie and me together. And believe me, I would give anything to shove some earplugs into his brain. But yeah, whether or not we look at it from the technical point of view or otherwise, Nessie _is_ still a young girl. And I'm fully aware of that. Just because we're in love doesn't mean that we need to rush things. I mean, we have the rest of forever, so why should we? Surely she has the sense to see that as well, and to realize that I would never expect anything more from her than she's ready to give until the time is right.

As we start to dance to a song that I'm not familiar with, though, I feel all those thoughts slide away to the very corners of my mind. We're here tonight to have a good time, and that's what I intend to do. I find myself laughing heartily at both her and myself as we attempt a little twirl that gets tangled up somehow. But hey, I still haven't stepped on her foot. It's all good.

**NESSIE**

Jacob leads me onto the dance floor and the feeling of my hand in his is amazing. I smile at him as I stare into his eyes. As we move around the dance floor together in time to the music, everything slips away. It's just me and him. And that's all that could ever matter. I feel warm and safe and loved in his arms, surrounded by his scent. We get tangled up in a twirl or two and I can't help but laugh. Laughter that grows louder as Jake jokingly does some of the corniest moves I've ever seen. Yet somehow he's still one of the most attractive men I've ever seen. Even when he looks completely silly right now. I pretend to be embarrassed by him and cross my arms over my chest, rolling my eyes. "If you're not going to take this seriously, maybe I'll just go." I gesture with my head in the direction away from the dance floor. But he knows I'm kidding. And so do I. And within moments we're both dancing together ridiculously, him teaching me the zany moves I don't know. And I know people are pointing and laughing. But I don't care because I'm too wrapped up in Jake and having fun with him.

After quite a few dances, I feel my human side catching up to me. "This dancing queen needs a break," I called to him, over the music. As we reach the drink table, it's then that I remember my plan. Plan seduce Jake. I briefly wondered if werewolves could get drunk. It might all be easier if they could. I grab a plastic cup and before he can stop me, it's filled with Sprite and some kind of grape flavored vodka. I've seen Marissa drink it before. She loves it. But I've never been a big drinker. I wonder if Jake will say anything, or if he'll let me have a few, since we are at a party and all. I take a small sip. It's not bad. Jacob grabs a water and then I lead him outside in search of fresh air.

But the night air is cool, so in no time, I'm leaning into Jacob's warmth. "Are you having fun?" I ask him quietly. "Thank you for coming. I know that this isn't really what you had in mind when I mentioned us going out." I lean up and place a quick peck on his lips. "I promise it can be your choice next weekend." Man I was going to need a lot more of these drinks to be as forward as I needed to be.

**JACOB**

She threatens to go but I know she's just joking. She's not _really_ embarrassed, even though she's pretending to be. "C'mon, you know you love my moves," I say with a great big grin, wiggling my eyebrows. So yeah, she's probably the only one in this room who does, but she's the only one that matters. I can't help but chuckle as I imagine what I must look like on the floor, towering over pretty much everyone else, dancing like a bear on coal.

Finally she decides that she's pooped out, and quite frankly I'm happy to take a break myself. I follow her over to the drink table, planning on pouring us both some punch when I realize that she's already helping herself to something else. I take a sniff. "Nessie…" I begin with a frown. There shouldn't be alcohol at this party – most of the kids here are underage. But she gives me this look. Not just any look. _The_ look. She knows it's my weakness. I cross my arms for a moment, shaking my head, but then I give in and warn her, "Just one." As long as that's it, and as long as I stay sober, it's okay. So I grab myself some water before we move on outside.

I wrap an arm around her shoulders as she leans against me, like she was made to fit right there. She asks me if I'm having fun before thanking me for coming. "Am I having fun? What, did you _not_ see me in there?" I ask with a laugh, pointing first at myself and then towards the door. As she gives me a quick kiss, I can already taste the alcohol on her lips, and I'm not liking it, but that little shouldn't hurt and I don't want to spoil the mood. "My choice, huh? Hmm…" I reach my other arm around her to rub my hands together. "You're asking for it."

**NESSIE**

He doesn't seem all too pleased with my drinking, but he seems to let it slide. For now at least, but he gives me a warning that reminds me a bit more of a caretaker than a boyfriend. And I decide in that moment that Jake doesn't need to see me drink any of the other drinks. As far as he knows, it will be just one. But it'll really be more than that.

When I thank him for coming to the party, he makes it seem like it's no big deal. Like this is the place he would choose to be. And I guess that that is true to a point because well this is where I want to be and he wants to be where I am. But he rubs his hands together and implies that I'm really in for it, in what he might plan. "OOooo, I'm shaking in my boots," I tease him with a small laugh. I know he'd never really put me through anything truly horrible.

It's about three hours later, we're talking starting to get what would actually be considered late. And I'm about four drinks in. I'm hoping that I look as cool and confident as I feel. It's like I'm completely liberated from anything holding me back, all my inhibitions, all of my doubts. I take one look at Jake as I walk towards him from the bathroom and I know that all of my doubts are silly. Of course I want Jake. Want to be with him. He's gorgeous. And I love him. And he loves me. And I know he'll take care of me during this. I know I can trust him. I stumble over my own two feet and his arms reach out to catch me before I hit the ground. See? I can trust him.

"Hey, Jake," I slur, trying to use a sultry tone with him. I look up into his eyes, my gaze slightly glazed over. I lean up on my tip toes and place a kiss on his jawbone, I can't quite reach his lips. Before I know it, I'm distracted by the song that is on and start singing along to it. I'm lost to anything other than the lyrics for a minute and then my attention turns back to Jake. I know I've been a little over the top for the past few hours, but it's the alcohol's fault really.

I try to give Jake my best damsel in distress look. "Do you think that we could go upstairs for a bit? I think I need to lie down." Not necessarily true, lying down could be okay. But mostly I just want to get him alone, somewhere we won't be interrupted. Somewhere that has a bed.

**JACOB**

Okay, major error in judgment. One harmless drink was one too many. I should've known not to let a teenager touch even a sip, especially not at a party like this where things could potentially get rowdy. Not that I can do anything about it now - my main responsibility at the moment is to Nessie. Nessie, who although just seemed to be happy and having fun at first, now looks like she's just a little bit too happy. As she walks out of the bathroom, it's bleeding obvious that she's drunk. Pissed drunk. Is she really that intolerant to alcohol? And then she starts to sway and trip. Immediately I reach out to grab her before she ends up sprawled on the floor.

"Hey, Jake." I don't like the slur in her voice and the way her eyes are looking up at me unfocused. And even less, the strong smell of alcohol in her breath. You wouldn't need my sense of smell to pick up. I frown to myself as she starts singing out of tune. Is that why she kept disappearing? To sneak in a few drinks while I wasn't looking? Because there's no way she only took one.

That's it, the party's over. I'm taking her home.

Then she asks if we can go upstairs. My irritation with myself for letting this happen instantly turns to worry. She tells me that she needs to lie down and, judging from her color, she really does look like she's going to fall over. I don't like the idea of staying here any longer than we need to, but I can't possibly let her go home in this condition…

With my arm still wrapped around her, I look around for that friend of hers who's hosting the party. What's-her-face. Marissa. There she is. "Hey, Nessie kind of needs to lie down. Is there a bed she could use for a bit?" The girl flashes me a knowing smile and a wink before pointing upstairs and saying, "First room to the left. All yours, hun."

She saunters off before I can give her a snappy reply, so all I can do is scowl at her back, which, by the way, is pretty much bare. How old are these kids again? I glance down at Nessie briefly before easily lifting her up into my arms. I don't want to seem like the nagging older brother, but this is over the line. At least I'm here to make sure nothing happens to her - but what if I wasn't? She's got some explaining to do - but not right this second. It's going to have to wait until she's sobered up some.

"All right. Come on, you," I say with a sigh before muttering under my breath, "Bella is going to kill me…'

**NESSIE**

Jacob seems a little tense as he holds me close to him and grabs Marissa's attention. Marissa is all too willing to give us a room. Not that she knows all of the crazy details, but she does know that I was planning on trying to sleep with Jake tonight. When she found out I wanted to take it to the next level with him, she was the one that suggested the party. She was the one that had thrown one last minute. She was the one who had suggested the liquid courage. I give her a grin as Jake sweeps me up into his arms. As he holds me close though, I wonder if I hadn't had one too many. I feel a little light headed, and instead of brave, I feel quite a bit wobbly. I mean I still feel brave and secure and all of that. But like I'm in a haze. And it's now in this haze that I realize I hadn't really planned an actual seduction.

I don't really harp on it for long because the worry dancing around in my stomach makes me feel nauseous. So I let the worries go, I give into the good hardy lightheaded, loose, nothing's holding me down feeling that the alcohol has brought me and I decide to wing it.

I look up into his eyes and that's when I see the scowl. He's not happy. Why is he mad? I thought we were having fun. But as he looks down at me, I know that he's upset with how I got to be in this state. I feel the need to answer his unspoken question, concern, whatever you want to call it. "What Jake doesn't know, won't hurt him..." I sing song as explanation to my extra drinks. Then my hand flies to my mouth as if I'd just let out national secrets as I begin to giggle uncontrollably.

Sometimes I wonder if he's really male. I mean, shouldn't this be his dream come true? His girlfriend drunk out of her mind? He could do almost anything and I would be willing. Because I love him. And because I feel all warm and fuzzy. And because his scent is intoxicating. And because his eyes are beautiful, even when he's angry. And because it's just logical that we eventually do all of this, we'll be in love forever, so why not now when I feel so relaxed and open. My giggles subside as I lean up and place a quick kiss on the corner of his mouth. Yes, I want him. But even through my drunk haze, I want to wait for a bed. And he navigates into the room, closing the door behind him. I reach down and lock it.

He raises an eyebrow and I tell a little fib about my intentions. "We don't need some sick kid thinking this is the bathroom and throwing up on us." He does seem slightly repulsed by this idea and lets the locked door stay locked. He settles me into the bed gently and then starts to move a good distance away, sitting in the chair. "Come lie down with me..." I feel guilty for the whine in my voice, but even if I wasn't going to try and put the moves on him, I would want him close right now when my state is in question like this. I give him my best pleading face and wait for it to work.

**JACOB**

As I carry her upstairs, I can't help but feel like a moron for not keeping a better eye on her. "What Jake doesn't know, won't hurt him..." she says before erupting in a stream of drunken, girlish giggles. Ordinarily, it would be one of my favorite sounds in the world, minus the drunken part. But right now I'm fuming about the fact that she went about downing God knows how many drinks behind my back.

But try as I might, I can't get angry at her. Sometimes I forget that she's still a teenager, and that teenagers occasionally need to be protected from themselves. And I can't blame her for that, not when she's had to grow up as fast as she did. She's already managed to cope amazingly well as it is, and we all expected that. Because she's special. Because she's different from the rest. But we often place our expectations so high that we tend to forget that she's also human, at least in part, and it's only natural for humans to be subject to making errors in judgment. Actually, come to think of it, it's probably not entirely a human thing either – after all, her father's made many of those himself. But that's not the point. The point is that whatever the case is, we all have to come to a point where we slip up, and she's allowed to come to that point as well.

So no, I can't be upset with her. The only anger I feel is towards myself, for not being a better protector. She may have reason to slip up, but I simply can't afford to anymore. For her sake. Sure, I need to be here to catch her when she falls, but my main concern should be to keep her from falling in the first place. I should've known better. She _relies_ on me to know better.

At the top of the stairs, she slowly stops giggling and plants a kiss to the side of my mouth. I feel the tension in my shoulders ease slightly, almost instantly. It's funny how she can have this effect on me, even when she's in such a state. When I shut the door behind us once we're in the bedroom Marissa pointed me to, Nessie reaches down and presses the lock button on the doorknob. I raise a questioning eyebrow at her, to which she responds, "We don't need some sick kid thinking this is the bathroom and throwing up on us." Okay, I guess she's right. I'm not cleaning up after anyone else. I just wonder though, if that sick kid might not end up being her tonight.

Even as I think it though, I feel my expression start to cloud over again at an even darker thought… the very fact that we're in a locked bedroom together. I mean, put a guy in a room with a girl who's so drunk she can barely stand still – it's just, well, asking for trouble. This could've happened under completely different circumstances. What if she was still with Mike and this happened? Or even if it wasn't Mike – if she had come to this party solo and some kid just happened to have set his sights on her? Normally, of course, despite appearances, Nessie would be perfectly capable of overpowering any guy and knocking him out flat – I have absolutely no doubt about that. But given her current condition, she could easily have been taken advantage of. Heck, if I were sick enough to want to right now, I wouldn't even have to try.

Gently, I lay her down on the bed before dragging a chair over from the desk and seating myself in it. I'm sitting right beside the bed, but she seems to be unhappy with that. "Come lie down with me..." she whines, giving me a little pout that, even when she's like this, looks so cute that I find myself having a hard time trying to resist it. It's not like we don't do it often enough, just lying down together, beside each other, drawing comfort from the closeness. But right now, with her being the way she is, coupled with the fact that this is someone else's bedroom, there's just something inappropriate about it that makes me hesitate.

But I can only deny her so much. With a small sigh and shaking my head at what she's gotten herself into, I get up and move onto the bed, but not the way she wants me to. I settle for sitting on the edge of it and reaching one arm across so that I'm leaning over her, my other hand brushing a few stray locks of hair away from her face. "Oh Nessie, look at you…" I say softly, my tone bearing an odd mix of disapproval and affection. How can I bring myself to be harsh with her now? Or ever, for that matter? "I should go get you some water."

**NESSIE**

Jake gives a small sigh as he repositions himself. He's now sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning over me. I pout for a few moments more, hoping to silently coerce him into lying down, but he doesn't take the bait. The voice in the back of my head. The quiet one. The one that's almost silent. The one that speaks common sense tells me that he really is the perfect boyfriend. Respecting boundaries, not wanting to take advantage of me, trying to take care of me. But it's not exactly taking advantage if he's my boyfriend, right? That little voice. The one in the back of my head. It pipes up again. It tells me that I'm secretly glad that he won't cross the line. After all, I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Ready to sleep with him, in the way where we do more than actually sleep. But I don't want to lose him. And I don't want to feel second best to my mother anymore. So I guess in a way, though not the way that matters I do want this.

I look up into his eyes and for a moment I get completely lost there. It's like the imprint takes over. All I see is love and concern and care. And all I feel is love. I feel no rush. I feel no hurry. I almost speak up and tell him to just take me home and then convince him to stay with me for just snuggling, since I know I'm probably bound to feel awful later. He would probably hold me then because there would be boundaries, my dad would hear our every thought. He could trust himself. Hell, he could trust me. I reach up and place a hand lightly on his cheek. "You're perfect, you know that?" I ask him, feeling for just a second like I'm truly cognizant of what I'm doing. I run my thumb over his cheek.

He then mentions leaving to get me some water. And all my insecurities surface and so does the plan, the drunkenness clouding everything, even the imprint, as I let the alcohol take over and control my actions. "Oh Nessie, look at you..." It's hard for me to decipher the meaning of the words. But I think maybe he means I'm pretty. That's what I think it means. Though that little voice tries to argue with me again, tries to talk me down, but I ignore it. I want to make sure Jake is mine and only mine in some way that I can actually measure. I grin at his words and lean up on my elbows, so our lips are barely apart. I shake my head lazily at him. "I think you should stay here with me," I purr at him as my hand moves from his cheek to his neck and I pull his lips down towards mine, closing the distance, as I give him a kiss like I've never given him before. Our kisses are usually chaste, not in a hurry, slow, loving. This one though is heated, it's trying to show him that this time I want more than just a few kisses.


	7. I Want You, I Need You, I Hate You

**A/N: I am so thankful for all of you who are reading this. And Nicole and I love reading your feedback, so please keep sending it. Sorry this update has taken so long. But I am finally all moved in and have the net back. So updates should start to be more frequent. I hope you enjoy this chapter. :)**

**JACOB**

When she reaches up and runs her thumb over my cheek, for a moment it's like her drunkenness has disappeared. She's gazing at me soulfully, those pretty eyes unglazed, telling me I'm perfect. "The only one who's perfect here is you," I tell her, and it's true. From the moment I first set eyes on her, I knew that she was the most perfect creature in the world. Even now, even like this. No matter what happens, no one could ever convince me otherwise. I give her a small smile as I gently close my hand around hers and stroke it lightly. Okay, I really should get her some water now.

But just as I'm about to get up, she props herself up, bringing her face to within a hair's breadth of mine. "I think you should stay here with me," she says to me, her tone sultry and enticing. Before I can even take a moment to decide that she's back to not being herself, her hand slides around to the back of my neck and pulls me down to crush my lips against hers, quite literally. And just when I'm about to pull myself away she starts to kiss me with a passion so deep that it practically knocks the wind out of my lungs.

At first I'm so taken aback that I do the only thing I can do: I respond. And I can't lie. I can't say that it doesn't feel good because it does. Our lips are practically on fire, melding together like they've never done before, and it's like I'm relying on her for air, relying on her to breathe. I feel myself getting sucked in almost completely. Almost. But as the kiss deepens, I start to realize with the part of my brain that's still functioning that this isn't Nessie. This is the alcohol at work here – not Nessie.

As soon as that thought hits me, I force myself to get a grip on myself. I don't want to push her away too suddenly, one, because I can hardly do it myself, and two, because I know it would upset her when she's in this state. So instead I try, though with little success, to slow the kiss a little before reaching up and bringing her hand down from my neck. "Nessie…" I breathe, pulling back slightly. "Nessie, slow down…"

**NESSIE**

When I kiss Jacob, it doesn't take long before he's kissing me back. And it's then that I am caught completely off guard by the passion that he's using. It's almost like I am his life force. And he is mine. We're the breath in each other's lungs. There's no one else in existence anywhere. I'm barely aware of the thumping bass coming through the ceiling from the music downstairs. All I can focus on is Jake and the way his lips feel against mine. A low sound of pleasure erupts from my throat as I feel so many new things for Jacob. I press my body closer to his, wanting to feel more of him. I still wasn't sure if I was ready for it, but in my alcohol induced haze, I was hungry for it. I craved it. I wanted it. I wanted Jake, every part of him. I wanted for our bodies to feel as close and melded as our lips. And our souls too. Mingling as one, even if for a moment in time.

I deepen the kiss and it's then that I feel Jake trying to put the breaks on. The breaks that I don't want. I need to be closer to him. He says we should slow this down and I don't understand why. Doesn't he feel it like I do? The desire? The longing? The love? What could he possibly be worried about? He's lowered my hand to my side, and I feel the heat of his muscles that moments ago were pressed against mine, slipping away. My lips immediately dive back for his. But now he's not responding at all. Did I do something wrong? Or does he not want this with me? Do I repulse him? I pull back, my body already aching for the closeness of his. I slowly pull myself into a sitting position as my eyes lock with his. I'm exploring them, trying to figure out what he's thinking, feeling. I can't decipher it, so I decide not to waste time on it. Don't waste time on figuring it out when you could get close to him. You could get him to see things your way.

"What's wrong?" I ask him quietly, a little pain and sting of rejection evident in my voice. But I don't let it deter me for long. I pull my body close to his once again and nuzzle his neck before leaning up and murmuring breathily in his ear. "Just relax." I nibble on his ear lobe before turning my attention to a sensitive spot on his neck. One that I'd found quite by accident a few days ago. One that had then caused our kissing to be put on pause. "We're going to do this eventually right?" I say to him, teasing the spot on his neck with kisses and gentle nips. "I don't see why we have to wait," I say to him, trying to use the sultry voice again. "I want to. I love you." I trailed my kisses up his jaw line, whispering, something that I maybe didn't even realize the full implications of. "I need you." And then my lips met his, but this time the kiss was slower, conveying more than just raw passion, but still showing my desire.

But that little voice, the one I was still ignoring, said that I should stop while I still could. I wasn't ready, this wouldn't make me happy. But a majority of me was certain that it had to.

**JACOB**

Her eager lips find mine again, but by now I've gotten a firmer hold of myself and manage to resist. In a foggy section of my mind I can see where this is heading, and I know we shouldn't be taking it there. When she realizes I'm no longer responding, she sits up and looks at me with confusion. "What's wrong?" she asks me, and the hurt in her tone crushes me just a little. It's like she thinks I'm pushing her away again. I don't want her to think that. Of course I want her, I just…

And in my moment of vulnerability, she drags me down again, into this whirlpool of heated passion. "Just relax," she murmurs beside my ear, and as if to give me a hand in doing just that, she goes in for my neck and starts driving me senseless all over again. My breath is becoming erratic and I don't know if I can ask her to stop again. Without really realizing it, my hands have found their way back to her again, starting at her arm before traveling down to her slender waist, feeling the coolness beneath the fabric.

She keeps reeling me back in so that I'm only half-taking in what she's saying to me right now. That we're going to do this eventually. That she doesn't want to wait. I don't want to wait either. I love you too. I need you t—

Hold it. Hold it, hold it, hold it. No, no, no, this isn't supposed to be happening. This—isn't—supposed—to be—happening. The heat is coursing through my veins and—stop kissing me, damn it!

Before I let myself get carried away, before I do something that I know we'll both regret later, I bring my hands back up and grip her shoulders, firmly pushing her away. It's going to hurt her now, but not as much as this could later if we don't stop. This time I clamber off the bed to keep this from going any further. I'm practically panting now and in the heat of the moment, I ask her in a voice that's a little louder than I intended for it to be, "Nessie, what the hell's gotten into you?"

I regret those words the instant they've left my mouth. I take a few moments to catch my breath again, waiting until I'm sure I can speak levelheadedly. "Sorry… Nessie… but… what's going on?"

**NESSIE**

His body is melding into mine. It fits there perfectly as we press impossibly close to each other as his apprehensions slowly seem to dissolve. I grin against his neck as I start to feel confident that I can get what I want tonight. No longer worried that my plan won't work. And then his hands are touching me again and I feel like I'm soaring. He loves me too. He does want me. As his hands roam down to my waist, I wrap my arms around Jake, whispering one more time that I love him as I begin to lower us down onto the bed.

It's then though that he gets tense. He grabs my shoulders roughly and pushes me away. I was wrong. He doesn't want me. He jumps out of bed, putting distance between us. And to me it feels like the Grand Canyon, like he's walked away and turned his back, not like he's just gotten off the bed. I feel like there's a great distance between us. And then he yells at me. His volume causes me to jump slightly. I wasn't prepared for that. I feel tears stinging the back of my eyes as I look down at my hands. What have I done? Have I ruined us? I feel silent tears running down my cheeks and then I look up at him, to make sure that he doesn't hate me.

Then his eyes soften and he stutters as he tries to ask the same question gently. Tries to repair the damage he thinks he's done. But it's my fault, I've done all of the damage. And there's no way to take it back. I can't say, how about we forget the last fifteen minutes ever happened. How about we pretend that I never got drunk. I don't think he'd go for that. "Jake...I'm sorry," I whisper. And then I try to remember what it was that I had done that was so terribly awful. I had tried to make love to my boyfriend. I had offered myself on a silver platter and he hadn't wanted me.

There was a time, I knew for sure, where he had wanted my mother. He had wanted it all with her. He had wanted a wedding and children. But he never talked about our future. It made me feel kind of like he didn't want one with me. Like I was his girlfriend just for right now. But I wanted a future with him. I wanted forever. I had only tried to love him. And he had pushed me away. He had rejected me. He wanted my mother, but he didn't want me. What was wrong with me?

"You wanna know what, no, no, I'm not sorry," I yelled back at him as I rose to my feet too, though a lot less gracefully than he had. I stumbled and swayed before catching my own balance after swatting his hands away. Right now, I'd rather hit the floor than have him help me. His rejection still stung. "There's nothing wrong with me. What's wrong with you? I don't get it. What more could you possibly want? When will it be good enough?" My throat hurt from yelling at him. I swayed again from the physical force with which I was speaking. I felt light headed. I wanted him to feel stung and bruised and rejected like I did, so I loaded up with the meanest thing I could think of to say. "I ha-" My words were cut off as I felt bile rising. My I hate you died on my lips as I retched and got sick all over Jake's front. Quite a few times.

I stared up at him dumbfounded at what had just happened and feeling slightly embarrassed, but he was not forgiven. In fact I couldn't help the small smile tilting up the corners of my mouth. Maybe he'd gotten what he deserved.

**JAKE**

Now she's apologising and starting to cry, and I want to beg her not to. I hate seeing her cry, hate seeing her so upset. I shouldn't have yelled at her. What's wrong with me? I never raise my voice with her. Ever. But… but I had to this time. I had to before things got too out of hand. I don't know if I would've been able to control myself if it had gotten any further than that. And she would never have forgiven me afterwards. I would never be able to forgive myself either.

But then the sadness in her eyes turns angry. So angry that I'm stunned silent as she takes her words back. "…no, no, I'm not sorry," she cries as she stands up. I see her legs wobble and my arms immediately go out to catch her, but her hands clumsily slap mine away before she carries on, railing at me. "What more could you possibly want? When will it be good enough?" But… when have I ever demanded anything of her? How could she think I'm rejecting her when… Can't she see that I'm perfectly happy with the way we are now?

The confusion turns to worry as she starts to sway even more. I take a step closer so that I can easily get hold of her in case she falls, but she's still got more to say. "I ha-" My eyes widen for a moment, but I hardly have time to register what she's about to say when all of a sudden she's throwing up. All over me. I quickly bend down to hold onto her by the arm and pat her back without even thinking to pull away. And she's not done yet. There goes my common sense, out the window and off to Timbuktu. At this stage there's really no more point in trying to stay clean, is there?

When she finally _is_ done, she looks up at me with a rosy blush coloring her cheeks, and even a tiny smile starting on her lips. I stare back at her, neither of us knowing what to say for a few long seconds. And then I stand back a little and raise my arms, finally looking down at myself. I've got a load of her vomit soaking my shirt and dribbling down my pants in a way that's… not entirely charming. That's when I just can't help but start to laugh. "Well that's, uh… that's really romantic, Ness," I comment as tug at my shirt, quite thoroughly amused. "Are you quite done yet?"

**NESSIE**

As I empty the contents of my stomach onto Jake, he doesn't for a second get grossed out, or run away. He holds me close and pats my back. Which brings me more comfort than you could possibly imagine. I really do love him. And I still feel how I feel, my insecurities haven't evaporated, but maybe this is what it's about. Maybe it's about holding each other's hand through rough times and letting people puke all over you. Maybe that's what love's made of. And not sex. Or at least not as much about sex. But I still want it. I still want to feel like Jake is mine in a way that he's never been anyone else's. And I don't think that puking down his front counts. But maybe I should try this again sober, without the vomiting. I want some sort of assurance that we have a future. I almost ask him. Almost. But that would probably make me seem totally pathetic. And I'm already pathetic, standing here a blush on my cheeks, my boyfriend covered in my vomit.

Then he starts to laugh, loudly. And sure, I'm more laughing to feel less awkward and because apparently when you're drunk it's nice to laugh with other people, but I join in. I join him in laughing. I can see some of the humor in it. But mostly I feel like I've failed and messed everything up. When he says that it was really romantic, I blush even deeper if that's possible. A teasing retort comes to my mouth, but I don't know if he's forgiven me enough for that. I'm still angry at him. But I am sorry for the vomit. I nod to him, still giggling, "I think I'm finished."

Then I glance around the room. And I know where Marissa's sent us. I look at Jake again, trying not to carry any feelings over, but my feelings are so confused while I'm stuck in this haze. I hope he can tell from my eyes that I'm sorry, that I never meant for this to happen. I decide that for now, unless he decides to push about what everything was about, it would be best to kinda pretend it didn't happen. "We should get you out of those clothes," I say, but in a tone that he knows is jokingly sexy. I know he won't let me come on to him. I know he's not interested and at this point I want to avoid further embarrassment.

I stumble to the dresser and begin to dig through the drawers. "This is Marissa's brother's old room," I explain to him, "He's away at college." then I look up at him shyly and hand him some clothes. "They might fit." I'm hoping he won't ask any difficult questions until I'm sober and would actually be able to maybe lie to him if I needed to. And I hoped he saw the clothes as my peace offering. My silent apology.


	8. Can We Do It In The Morning?

**A/N: Thanks so much for staying with us on Jake and Nessie's journey. We're having a blast writing this. And we're glad that you're enjoying it. They do indeed talk some important things through in this chapter. Enjoy! And we also hope to hear from you. Go on, click the review button. :) Also if you are enjoying this story, Nicole and I have been working on a whole series of other wolf stories. There's a poll on my profile page as to which you may want to read next. So take a moment and vote. :)**

**JACOB**

She's laughing along with me and that makes me feel relieved. We're okay. At least I hope so. If all it takes is getting covered in her puke, then so be it. As long as it's not someone else's. "We should get you out of those clothes," she says seductively, to which I roll my eyes. Yeah, I am so turned on right now. Really. I watch as she goes through the drawers and pulls out some clothes that supposedly belong to Marissa's brother. "They might fit," she says, holding them out to me.

I grin as I take them from her. "Right. Back in a sec," I tell her as I duck out of the room and into the adjacent bathroom. Not that I'm shy about stripping down in front of her or anything, but given how everything's just been so inappropriate tonight… maybe not. Besides, I need to wash the vomit off my own clothes. Can't have it dripping all over Marissa's lovely carpeting, can I?

A few minutes later, though, I'm back in the room frowning grumpily. "How _old_ is Marissa's brother again?" I ask as I walk in. She was right when she said they might fit. Oh, they fit all right. Only _just_. Any smaller and all the seams would've ripped apart when I pulled them on. "I feel gay in this," I complain dryly, and then I see the look on her face and give her arm a playful punch before passing her the glass of water that I picked up for her as well. "Shut up, it's _not_ funny."

But I guess it'll have to do for now. I can live with it. Begrudgingly. Anyway, I have more important things on my mind. More seriously now, I close the distance between us and lift her chin up with my finger. "So… you can start from the beginning," I tell her, waiting for an explanation. She looks well enough for it now. I want to know what just happened here.

**NESSIE**

Jake emerges from the bathroom and I can't help but giggle slightly. The clothes look fit to burst from trying to hold his large frame in. Marissa's brother is probably a few years younger than Jake, but I had always thought of him as a pretty big guy. "It's better than the Nessie puke clothes," I point out to him. I smirk slightly. "But I dunno. Maybe the imprint blurs your judgment. You love me so much, you wanna be close to any part of me," I deadpan to him. I know that's not the case. Being covered in someone's sick is gross no matter what. Then I can tell that he really does feel uncomfortable in them. "You look great Jake," I reassure him softly, "You always do..."

He reaches me and hands me a glass of water. I lift it to my lips and take a small sip. He needs me to drink this water. He needs me to feel better. He needs me to sober up. He needs me to function in my right mind. Though I don't know if that place is a vast improvement from this one. After all that one's filled with worries and insecurities. Insecurities that I'm embarrassed to tell him about. Because he'll feel the need to placate me no matter how he feels. He'll want to fix me. He'll want to make me feel okay. And when we talk, I want him to be honest. Maybe he should be drunk when we talk finally. I stare into the depths of the glass. "Thanks."

And then he tilts my face up to look at him and asks for an explanation. I try to stall, but I doubt it'll work. "Can we talk about everything in the morning?" I ask him, trying my best to look like all I need is some sleep right now, not a deep conversation.

**JACOB**

She remarks that it's better than 'the Nessie puke clothes'. Okay, well… yeah… "But I dunno. Maybe the imprint blurs your judgment. You love me so much, you wanna be close to any part of me." I snort at that. Even her puke? Well I don't _mind_ her getting sick all over me, but I'm not sure that would be my favourite part of her to be close to… Then she seems to step back a little and goes on to tell me that I look great. "Sure I do," I grumble, even though I'm not really upset or anything. "Bet all the hot modeling agencies are lining up outside right now. Look great… shyeah, thanks…" But really, this is nothing. I don't _really_ care.

I watch as she takes a sip of water, but she doesn't look too enthusiastic about replying. "Can we talk about everything in the morning?" she asks, but I've seen that look before. When she was a little girl and was too lazy to pick up her toys at night… _"Can I do it in the morning?"_ _Yawn yawn._ Only now I know it's not because she's lazy, of course.

Nope, not going to work. I'm tempted to tell her that I've seen this before, but I know that can be a little bit of a sore spot sometimes. I don't want her to feel like I still see her as a little kid. Besides, she knows well enough that I can see right through this little fib anyway. "No, I think you can manage, Ness," I say as I take a seat on the edge of the bed and gesture for her to join me. "I know what you were about to say just before you threw up," I point out, trying not to look too hurt. After all, she wasn't in the right frame of mind… right? "Won't you at least tell me why?"

**NESSIE**

He tells me that he knows what I was going to say before I threw up and I feel almost immediately ill again. Guilt burning hot in my stomach. How could I, under any circumstances dream of saying that to him? Sure it would hurt him, but it was too cruel, wasn't it? I wasn't in my right frame of mind. But something tells me that if my tired story didn't work, just saying that I was drunk wouldn't work either. "Oh, God, Jake," I exclaim, throwing myself onto the bed next to him. I look at him earnestly. It has to hurt him to know that I would consider saying it, no matter what the circumstances. "I didn't mean it," I insist. "I really didn't." I shake my head for emphasis. "I could never hate you." But how to explain?

"I was drunk," he gives me a disbelieving look, "And hurt and angry. And I wanted to lash out. I wanted to hurt you like I hurt. I wanted to reject you too." Wow, that sounded really awful out loud. "I'm so sorry Jake," I said quietly, "I promise I won't ever even think about saying it again." I then felt worried. "You don't hate me do you?" I worried aloud. What if he did? What if he hated me for saying it? What if he hated me for thinking it? What if he hated me for puking on him? What if he hated me for trying to seduce him?

I knew now that he didn't want me in a sexual kind of way. At least not now. So I wouldn't put the moves on him anymore. He didn't have to worry about that. Now I just had to worry about him asking about that and about my getting drunk. And I knew he would. And then I'd have to try and find words to explain that didn't make me sound like a dumb teenager.

**JACOB**

Her eyes are pleading with me to forgive her, but there's nothing to forgive. I know she was drunk. I know she was upset. But why was she upset in the first place? That's what I want to know. "I wanted to hurt you like I hurt. I wanted to reject you too." Okay… even though I had a sort of rough idea about what was going on, this still feels like I've just been slapped by her. Reject me? Too? She didn't really think I was rejecting her, right?

"Of course I don't hate you," I say quietly, giving her a small smile. "And I know, I know you don't hate me either. After all we've been through together, it would be unreasonable of me to have such little faith in you." Then with a deep sigh, I reach over to hold her arms and turn her body so that she's facing me. "But… that's not really what I want to know. I want to know _why_."

I nod towards my soiled pile of clothes that's lying in a heap on the floor. "Why did you get yourself drunk tonight?" I ask, more gently this time. There's always the 'how', but I figure that part's pretty much understood. What with this being a party and all, and her slipping out of my sight every so often, I think I can more or less fit the pieces together. That's not what's important. "Why do you feel like I've been rejecting you? Because we haven't had sex? Is that it?"

So okay, I said _haven't_, implying that we will at some stage. It's not like that's an unreasonable assumption, right? But actually, I hadn't really planned on being that blunt. It's just that, well, putting two and two together, what she said to me before and how she acted before getting sick - I mean, isn't this what it looks like? I just want her to be able to tell me if that's what's really been bothering her. I don't want her to feel embarrassed about bringing it up in plain wording.

**NESSIE**

When he says that he doesn't hate me, I can't help but smile widely at him and throw myself into his arms. I hug him tightly, my arms wrapped around his shoulders. I just want to stay like this forever where everything feels safe and comfortable. But then he continues to insist that he wants to know why. He still wants me to explain. I take a deep breath and slowly pull away, turning my body to face the door. But it only sits in that position for the smallest of moments before he turns my body to face his. His hands slowly move down my arms and away from my body. This action leaves me feeling pretty empty. And there's no way that I can talk without his silent support. His strength. I reach down and wrap one of his hands up in both of mine, and for a moment I just hold it, and then I begin to trace the length of his fingers, down to his palms with the tip of my finger to distract myself.

Then I take another deep breath and try as best I can to explain, but I know that I sound flustered. "Yes...no...not really...I don't know..." It was the truth. I didn't know what I was thinking. I knew what I felt. I was crazy in love with him. And at the moment I felt I deserved the padded room that would make that statement completely accurate. I continued to draw patterns on his hand as I talked, my eyes locking with his as I tried to find the words. "I just...I was talking to Marissa...she always gives the worst, wrong advice...I don't know why I listened...but..." my thoughts still sound disjointed. They are. I'm trying to explain, but I seem to just run in circles in my head. From sane thought to irrational one and back to sane again. "She's sooo stupid," that's one thing that rings true whether or not I'm being sane or irrational. "And so am I...I shouldn't have done that...got drunk...tried to get you to do something you didn't want to do." I was so focused on trying to say the right things that that fact didn't even sting, there was no time to think about it. "There's just no way I would've ever done that sober...sounded so important..."

What I wanted to really say was that I was worried. I was worried he had experienced more than I had. I was worried about what that might mean. I was worried that I was his girlfriend for now, but that if we didn't make it official somehow, maybe I wouldn't be forever. The imprint meant that he had to stay, he had to be in my life. It didn't mean he had to stay in love with me. I was worried that he already thought this way because he never mentioned the future. I was worried that one day he'd wake up and see me for what I was...and I wasn't even totally sure what that was yet...I'm so young, I'm not fully developed, I don't even know who I am...but I was worried that when he saw it, he would no longer be impressed. I was worried about everything. But I couldn't bring myself to say those words, to sound to this grown man like the scared teenager that I was.

Instead my alcohol addled mind blurted out. "Do we have a future?"

**JACOB**

I let her take my hand, smiling at how cute she is, the way she's distractedly drawing spirals on my palm with her finger. At the same time I listen to what she has to say, though for the most part it seems like she has no idea _what_ to say. She mentions Marissa, and though I can see how Marissa may have put some ideas in her head, clearly she's by no means the main reason for any of this. Nessie would have never gone for such an idea if she hadn't been feeling insecure in the first place. "I shouldn't have done that...got drunk...tried to get you to do something you didn't want to do."

There it is. Well, part of it anyway. "You think – you thought I didn't want to?" I let her continue playing with my one hand while I use the other to bring her face closer to mine for a moment so that I can plant a kiss on her forehead. "Nessie, of course that's not true. It's just that I don't think we're ready for that yet." I pause for a moment. I think she knows herself why she isn't ready for it – it's my end of it that she feels uncertain about. I give her a sheepish grin, one that's probably accompanied by a blush that I hope she can't see beneath my tan skin. Dudes don't blush. "And that includes me."

I think I've got her attention now. She needs to hear this, that as far as relationships go, I'm pretty much on the same page as she is. "Don't look all surprised," I say with a little chuckle. "I mean, it's not like I'm afraid of commitment or anything – my commitment to you is forever. And ever and ever and you know that and I love that. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But to be honest, this is all new to me too."

Sometimes I can't help but think that she looks up to me as this big grown-up man who's seen and done it all, when that couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm still a regular guy, and in matters of the heart, she's all I really know. There was of course Bella, and I can't say that that wasn't real, because if it hadn't been real, then losing to Cullen wouldn't have hurt that bad. I did love her. But from the very beginning she was never mine. I suppose in short, things just have a way of working out to get to where they were really meant to be. Begrudgingly, I can admit that Bella was meant for Edward Cullen. Because then I can say that Nessie was meant for me. Truly and always, from the start.

"And I just don't think we have to rush things, you know? Time _is_, after all, on our side," I remind her. There's no giant clock looming over our heads, threatening to strike midnight. We can afford to let things play out at their own pace. We can afford to take the time to explore all these new feelings, and enjoy the experience. "We'll get there, eventually. And when we do, I know it's going to be special. But we don't need to get ahead of ourselves. At least not until we're both ready. I want to savour every moment, don't you?" At that, I can't resist giving her a nudge in the side as I tease, "Besides, do you really want to remember our first time as having happened while you were in a drunken stupor?"

When she asks if we have a future, I realize that there's a whole lot more to it. She's worried that all this is only temporary. She probably thought that sleeping together would somehow put some sort of a seal on our relationship. I guess I can see now that… well, I never really gave her any reassurance of this, that we _did_ have a future together. Of course I see all that – getting married, maybe having kids someday, growing old together but not _actually_ growing old. I just wanted her to have the chance to grow _up_ first. To live life, without the pressure of tomorrow. But clearly I could've done better with this, because it's obvious to me now that she wants and needs to see that we're heading somewhere. Even though she knows in her heart that we are, she needs to hear it from me. "Of course we have a future. Of course I want a future with you," I reply in earnest, but then I'm quick to add, "As long as you want it too, that road will always be yours – ours." Because I still want her to have that choice, that option. I don't want the imprint to ever rob her of her willpower.

I wrap an arm around her shoulders and pull her closer so that her side is pressed against mine. I wonder if she's drawing as much comfort from this as I am. It's the little things like this that really count. Somehow when we're together and close, I feel whole. Complete. And at this stage in our lives, and more importantly in _her_ life, this is all I need. In time our feelings will surely evolve, grow stronger if that's even possible, and that's something to look forward to, constantly. But for now, I'm happy with the way we are.

"But there's nothing wrong with taking things slowly, one step at a time. Like the fortune cookies always say: don't worry about the future till you wind up forgetting about today." I see the look that she gives me and pause for a moment to think about that. Hmm, I'm not sure that sounds quite right. "Okay, whatever, so at least it _sounds_ like something a fortune cookie would say, all right?" I lean into her and give her an affectionate squeeze, taking a whiff of her hair as I do. Vampires stink, but not my Nessie. She always smells glorious. "We have forever, remember?"

**NESSIE**

He says that he doesn't think we're ready to take this step. And I can't help but internally echo that sentiment. I'm not really ready. I wasn't ready. That's why I had to get drunk, to have the nerve to go through with it. Because honestly, sex, is a little scary. Not a lot scary because I know it'll happen with Jake, and it could only be a good experience if I experience it with him. He would never let anything bad happen to me, he would never let anything hurt me. I almost feel sorry for all the girls that don't get to be with an imprint their first time. It really does put you at ease. I mean sure it's great to be in love with someone. But the kind of in love you experience with the imprint is so much stronger, complete, unconditional. And there is no substitute for the reassurances and comfort that their mere presence brings you. But I knew I didn't want to rush really, despite my actions tonight. I did want to take my time with Jake and savor every moment, every step. I just couldn't get rid of that nagging voice in the back of my head that said that maybe he was comparing my kisses to my mother's. And how could I ever set myself apart from her, if this was all we did. But as he pulled me close to him, I realized that maybe it didn't matter. Maybe even if I was an inferior product somehow, all that really mattered was that, for now at least, he was choosing me. He wanted me more than anything else. And I knew as I leaned back against him that there was no substitute for this closeness. There was no replacement for how light and warm and carefree and loved I felt just right here, against his side. Nothing compared to the buzz I got from being around Jake, not even alcohol.

I want to tell him thank you. Thank you for not listening to me. Thank you for not taking the bait. Thank you for not letting me do something that I would have regretted in part the next day. I could never have fully regretted being with Jake though. I was going to say all of this, that was until he said he wasn't ready, until he admitted to not being too worldly in the ways of the heart. And I stared stunned. Had there really only ever been me and my mother? And how could that have been? Jake was an amazing guy. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad things turned out the way they did, and I love dad to death, but she really was an idiot to not see more potential in my Jake. If this is new to both of us, maybe we need to stop being so scared of actually talking. I look up at Jake. This was going to be hard to say. "I don't know why but ever since we morphed from a best friends us, to a something more version of us, it's been harder for me to talk to you." That was going to kill him, I knew it was. "But it's like...I don't know..." I struggled with the words I wanted to use, "Like I don't want to disappoint you. Or like I'm scared I'll sound dumb or immature. I mean I know you're commitment to me is forever, so I'm not really afraid of you going anywhere, but I am afraid that you might look down on me, or see me as too much of a girl..." I wasn't even sure if I was making sense. I wanted so badly to be a woman. To be a woman for him. To be someone who had grown into herself. But I just honestly wasn't there yet. And I wasn't sure how to pretend to be, or if I even could.

Then he proceeds to talk about us having all the time in the world. And I can't help but laugh, like I feel some sort of tension leaving my body. We did have plenty of time. We had eternity literally. I wrapped my arm around his waist as his was draped over my shoulders. The way he talked though, made me a little worried that we might move at a snails pace, that we might have this very same conversation 20 years from now, 50 years from now, and I didn't want that either. I didn't want to have to wait a literal lifetime until I knew all aspects of Jacob's love. I nudged him slightly and said jokingly. "If we're 200 and we're still having this conversation, you have to give in, mister, okay?" I teased, letting him know that I was okay with waiting. Hell, I wanted to wait. But that I didn't want to wait forever. I was interested. I had thought about it. Though I wasn't ready yet.

And then he asked the dreaded question, although he did it teasingly. But I felt tears flood the backs of my eyes anyway. I had been scared that I had to mark him as mine in some tangible way. I had been scared of so many silly things and I had almost thrown away what would probably be one of the best experiences of my life. I shook my head, unable to vocalize the words, still unable to thank him for not taking that from me, for not taking away the beauty that the experience of our first time together would be. "No," I finally spoke very quietly, "I don't want to...I didn't want to...thanks for not being an average guy." I squeezed him tighter to me, giving him a smile, even through the shame and stupidity that I felt at having set this whole thing up. Jacob really did love me, I realized. We really did have something that made our relationship different from his others, even if it wasn't tangible in any way. I just wished there was a way for others to see it, for others to know it. A way that would put my mind at ease some. A way that would get me feeling like I was out of competition with my mother.

And when he asked me if I remembered that we had forever, I nodded. And I was grateful for it. There's no one that I would rather spend my time with. And one day I would be mature, I'd be able to be more for him, like he is for me now. "I will always want a future with you," I told him honestly, interlocking my fingers with his. "Now and forever." I leaned up and kissed his cheek, I was sure that right now, with as awful as my breath probably was, he wouldn't appreciate a real kiss.

**JACOB**

She seems surprised to hear that I'm not ready either. I grin at her, wondering how experienced she thought I really was. But then she says that ever since we got together, like, really got together, she's been finding it harder to talk to me. That makes me cringe just a little, because she's always been able to talk to me, about everything. "Like I don't want to disappoint you," she admits almost reluctantly, as if she's apprehensive about telling me even this. "…but I am afraid that you might look down on me, or see me as too much of a girl..." And that makes me smile again. Not because I'm happy to hear that she's shy about that, but because I know that it's not because she doesn't trust me. And it's not something out of the ordinary because we're both being showered with all these new feelings.

I give her cheek a little pinch and laugh. "What, you want me to see you as a boy? I'm sorry, I'm not sure if I can do that…" I tease, even though I know exactly what she's talking about. "I would never judge you. Ever. There's no way you could ever disappoint me, silly. I love you for _you_." I hug her closer to me as her arm slips around my waist. "If we're 200 and we're still having this conversation, you have to give in, mister, okay?" she says. I burst out laughing at that. "Hmm, well… we might want to give it at least a few decades, you know, just in case you still feel like a girl or something…" Of course I don't really think that's going to happen. Sure, I would wait as long as she wanted me too. But I doubt either of us needs to wait _that_ long.

But then she looks like she's going to cry and I worry that I might've hurt her with that. Until I realize that she's thinking about something else, about tonight. I had been right after all. She never really wanted to do this, not right now. I'm glad I managed to put the brakes on, because we would've both woken up tomorrow in a pool of regret. I know I would, at least due to the fact that I'd let her do something that she didn't really want to just yet. That would probably haunt her. And me.

Her fingers lace through mine as she tells me that she'll always want a future with me, just the way I'll always want one with her. It feels wonderful to hear that. Even though I might've known it anyway, I like hearing the certainty in her voice when she speaks those words. I smile as she gives me a little peck on the cheek. "Boy, I hope you know what you're getting yourself into," I tell her jokingly with a roll of my eyes. As I study her face again, though, I'm not so sure if we've resolved everything. If we've actually put everything out on the table. She seems content, but doesn't seem to be completely at ease. Or maybe it's just my imagination. "Nessie, is there something else that's bothering you?"

**NESSIE**

He pinches my cheek and asks if I want him to see my as a boy and this catches me so off guard that I chuckle at him. But then I wonder if he was missing what I was saying. I glanced up at him, looking in his eyes and knew that he knew what I meant. And then I rolled my eyes at him a little. "That's exactly what I'm trying to say," I dead pan to him. I lean against him and nuzzle my head into his neck, enjoying the feel of closeness that I have with him right now. The way that it feels to know that I can talk to him again, though, about anything, is a relief like I can't describe. It makes me want to melt. It makes me want to fall into a peaceful sleep in his arms because for the first time since we started dating, though it feels so much deeper than simply that, I feel at complete peace. And then I could tell him all about it in the morning.

But that doesn't seem to be what he has in mind. He wants to know tonight. And I don't know if I'm going to push him away in some way by saying it out loud. "Hey Jake?" I ask first. "If mom and dad will let you," I begin my sentence, knowing very well that they might not, I am after all coming home drunk from a party with my boyfriend not dressed in his own clothes. I might be in trouble. Their patience might be shot. "Will you stay with me tonight?" he looks worried for a moment and I shake my head. "I promise no funny business. I just want to feel close to you. I don't really want to have to say goodbye." And I wanted to have him locked in to a promise, so that even if he was upset with me, he had to stay. I wanted proof that I couldn't lose him by being honest. But when he seemed hesitant to respond, I decided that I had to plow ahead anyway. I had to gather my courage and speak.

I squeezed his hand where our fingers were interlocked and went back to tracing designs that only I could see on the back of it. Taking a moment to gather my courage, sure he would laugh at me. But once I said this, once I spoke, it would all be out there, all on the table. Maybe things would get better. I blushed a deep red before I even started speaking. "It's pretty silly," I warned him. "But I'm just a little bit jealous..." I admitted. It felt even sillier when it was outside of my head, vocalized for everyone to hear, "Of mom." I laughed softly, "That is a twisted sentence." I looked back up at him. "I mean I know you used to love her. And I know you still do, in a different way. And I guess you two were always close, but I just started to notice it lately..." I sounded lame. Like really lame. Like the queen of loserville speaking here. "And everything that we've done, you've done with her." I wondered if he ever thought about her, compared us. But that, even under our new talking policy was not a question I could vocalize. I continued quickly, so he wouldn't tell me how powerful the imprint was, I knew that. "And I know what we share is different...deeper, even. It's forever and it's unconditional. It's magic. But I wish there was some way for people on the outside to know that. Tonight..." my face felt like it was on fire right now, "was mostly about me wanting to have something special with you. Something that was just ours. Some way that I didn't have to share you with mom." And then I closed my eyes, too nervous to look at him until I got some sort of reaction.

**JACOB**

"Hey Jake?" she asks, still pressed to my side. I look down at her. "Hmm?" Then she asks if I'll stay with her tonight. I hesitate for a moment there, wondering if everything that was meant to play out tonight has already played out, or if there's still more. Even when she promises no funny business, I'm still not too sure about it. She still hasn't answered my question. And, to be honest, I doubt Bella will be too thrilled to see me bringing her daughter home in this state – would you leave your drunk daughter in her bedroom together with her boyfriend? I don't know if this is a good idea…

Before I can answer, she decides to go on and I decide to let the thought sit for a while. But what she tells me takes me by surprise. "…I'm just a little bit jealous..." I raise an eyebrow. Jealous? What would she be jealous of? I'm pretty sure we've spent heaps of time together over the last few weeks – at least whatever time I can set aside outside my job and patrolling. "…of mom." Wow. That sounds so weird. And wrong. And it really stings. She goes on to explain, but somehow I feel like I already know what she means by that. "And everything that we've done you've done with her." So that's the real reason for everything that just took place. She thought she would fix that by having sex with me, something Bella and I never did. I scratch my head awkwardly at the thought. I mean, we do live in a complicated little world here.

Because I can't deny for a moment that I used to be in love with her mother… her _mother_, of all people.

"And I know what we share is different...deeper, even. It's forever and it's unconditional. It's magic. But I wish there was some way for people on the outside to know that. Tonight... was mostly about me wanting to have something special with you." She's blushing furiously now, and it's not hard to understand why. When she closes her eyes, I'm sure she must be feeling so embarrassed inside right now. And to some extent I am too, if only because it's such a weird situation that we've found ourselves in.

After she finishes, I stay quiet for a few moments, trying to get my thoughts together and figure out how to put them into words. Because it's really not quite as simple as 'she didn't mean anything to me'. She did. She meant a whole lot to me. In that sense, and even now in a different way, as Nessie herself understands. "I can't lie to you," I confess, my fingers playing with her curls absentmindedly. "I can't say that I didn't love Bella, or that I didn't love her as much… but I believe that this is the way that things were meant to be. From the beginning, this is how things were supposed to play out."

"I do understand why you feel that way," I tell her as I touch her cheek tenderly, wondering if I could ever make this better for her. "But to me, I guess I feel that… we do share something special, even outside the imprint. We're _in_ love. It's as simple and as pure as that… And being in love, and not just loving someone, is something I've never shared with anyone else. Not Bella, not anyone. Only you."

**NESSIE**

He says he won't lie to me. And he admits to loving my mother. And to loving her the same. The same. It echoes in my head. He loves her the same. It stings. I want to get up and run, I want to put distance between us. He loves her the same. But that's what I wanted to know, right? The truth. How he really felt about mom. But he's playing with my hair. And I can't tear myself away, that always makes me feel relaxed. And I need to be close to him, even if the truth is tearing me apart. I think that I may never look him in the eye again out of embarrassment.

Then he touches my cheek. And he again, says the perfect thing. He tells me that he's in love with me. And that that is special. Because he's never been in love with someone else. Which confuses me because he just told me, he loved my mother the same. And I don't love him the same as I loved Mike. I love him so much differently. So much more powerfully. And I wonder if that's because Jake is the only person I ever loved, or if it's because being in love makes all of that difference. My eyes snap open and I look at him, shocked. "You weren't ever in love with mom?" I have to hear him say it again. Because I know that something like that can't be measured, but it would be special, it would be important, it would make us different. It would make all of the difference to me.

**JACOB**

When she finally opens her eyes, she looks completely stunned. Like she hadn't expected that. Like she might've expected less. "You weren't ever in love with mom?" she asks, her words coming out almost in a squeak. "Never. Just you. Only you. Always you." I give her a smile to show just how much I mean it before planting a big, loud, exaggerated kiss on her cheek and then joking, "But right now, I'm not too sure if our 'forever' thing is going to happen…" Her face falls for an instant before she realizes I'm kidding.

"What, you planned all this without realizing that we're going to have to go back to your house and face doomsday?" I ask her with a sheepish grin. Sooner or later, we're going to have to deal with the parents. I already know I'm going to get an earful from Bella and a mean furious I'm-going-to-kick-your-sorry-ass glare from daddy, but I guess it'll be worth it. Worth it because, even though I hate the fact that I couldn't stop her from getting drunk, I did get to find out what Nessie was really thinking, and set her mind at ease. I would go to the gas chambers so long as I could keep her safe and happy. So what are two angry, freaky vampires, right? "Nah, don't worry. Even they can't mess with our forever."


	9. What a Difference Two Years Makes

**A/N: thanks for everyone who continues to read this. And thanks for your patience with us. Sorry it's been so long since the last update, but I've been swamped in school. Midterms are this week, so another update is probably a few weeks off. But no we haven't forgotten about this story...in fact we are chapters and chapters ahead on this one and others. :) There is a time jump in this chapter. Hopefully that doesn't put you off. And you continue to enjoy and read. We just thought it was time for the characters to grow, and with that, their relationship. As always hope you enjoy it! And if you're interested in reading about the other wolves, go ahead and vote for which one. The poll is on my profile. Or review or message with it. We're even accepting suggestions of who you might like to see if they aren't listed. Basically we just love to hear from you, even the bad. Without further ado, enjoy the next chapter.  
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**NESSIE**

It had been two years since Jake and I had first started dating. And every second of them had been amazing. Even when we were arguing. Even when I was in the midst of my teenaged angst. Not that I was necessarily done being a teenager. I had just turned 19, by human standards, a few months ago. But I didn't feel like the same girl that I was back then. I didn't feel like I was so unsure of things, like I doubted things. I didn't feel jealous of mom anymore. Not by a long shot. I had come to accept that Jake had loved my mother. But not enough, ultimately not in the right way. He loved me in the right way. He was in love with me. He wanted to be with me. There was no man in the world that I could find that wouldn't have loved someone before me. But I would also never find anyone who would love me, or be as devoted to me as Jake was. And I could never love anyone or be as devoted to them as I was to Jake. He was the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the morning. And the last thing I thought about when I went to bed at night. And he usually took up most of the daydreams in between.

I had taken his thoughts on waiting to heart. I wanted to wait until we were both absolutely sure, and until there were no ulterior motives. I didn't want my making love to Jake to be marred by anything. I just wanted it to be as comfortable as it could be. The two of us expressing our love for each other. The two of us showing the other physically how we felt, becoming one for even just a moment in time. I had been waiting to the point that I thought Jake might be getting frustrated, but he was patient with me. It had taken me a while, but I had finally come to the realization that our relationship was not a race. We had lifetimes. We could take our time, we had no time anything needed to be done by. And so I had savored every moment with him. Trying to spend every moment with him.

But lately we hadn't seen much of each other in the past few weeks. I had just started college and had a hectic schedule for classes, not to mention homework. And he had been busy with work and patrol. And to say that I missed him had been an understatement. He was like a drug to me. And the second I saw him again, tonight, when we were going on our date, I couldn't stop smiling, or touching him, or kissing him. When we had been at dinner, it had been marvelous to be out with him, but sitting with the table between us, that far away from him, had felt like torture.

We were now leaving the restaurant in his truck, and though I had started out in my seat on the opposite side with his hand in mine, I had somehow made my way across the bench seat until I was resting my head against his shoulder, his hand still in mine. I just couldn't stay away. We had spent all of dinner talking and catching each other up on news and each other's lives, but the ride from the restaurant had been pretty silent. And if I didn't know better I'd say that Jake was nervous, though about what I couldn't be sure. I knew he would tell me though, so I decided not to make things awkward by pushing. I just raised his hand to my lips, grazing them across his knuckles in a silent show of support. I would support him in whatever he needed me to.

When we were at dinner we had discussed going down to the beach, but as we had left, it had begun to rain, so disappointedly, I had thought that he would just drop me off at home. And I was not ready to say goodbye yet. So I couldn't help but grin when he drove through Forks and towards La Push. I was assuming however that he was taking me to his house. So when we stopped at the beach, I was confused. My forehead crinkled as I watched him open his door and get out, holding his hands out to me, to help me down. "The beach? In the rain?" I questioned. But he didn't move. And the look in his eyes almost seem desperate, so I easily complied, not wanting to ruin whatever he had in mind. I hopped out of the truck and into his waiting arms, letting him lead the way towards the beach.

**JACOB**

I don't think I've ever felt this nervous. Ever in my life. Even with all the certainty in our lives, knowing that we'll always be together, there is still the element of time. Time, and how this might not _be_ the right time. Yet I feel it in my gut, that over the last two years our love has blossomed and grown and has now come to a point where we can finally take the next step. I don't think it's impatience, because despite joking about not wanting to wait two centuries, I would if she wanted me to. And even though we've been seeing little of each other recently, I don't feel like I'm doing this to try to stake a claim on her, because I believe in what we have, and I believe that nothing and no one can shake that. I guess it's more a sense of wanting to make our relationship complete, whole. To bring our lives as close as they can possibly be, melding them together as one.

But all the same, I can't help but feel unsure. Because I may know that this is what I want, but what if she still isn't ready to take such a big leap? And what about college – would she feel as if this would interfere in the other aspects of her life? Would she feel tied down by it? Besides, I'm not like one of those macho Hollywood heroes who can sweep a girl off her feet with an out-of-this-world romantic proposal – I'm just an average guy who just happens to turn into a giant wolf every now and then. It's actually kind of funny how we're connected so strongly in so many ways, yet at the end of the day, I'm still very much my own person, just as she is. And I guess despite my anxiety now, this is exactly what makes our love special and I know I wouldn't want to trade it in for all the certainty in the world.

As I drive us away from the restaurant, I realize that Nessie seems to have picked up on my nervousness. I smile as she brushes her lips against the back of my hand – it calms me considerably, and right then, I can see that it doesn't really matter what the outcome of tonight is. Of course I would be the happiest man on earth if she said yes, but even if she says no, it wouldn't be for lack of love. And it is her love that sustains me, so I can live with that, whatever her decision turns out to be. All I want to do now is show her what she means to me, how _much_ she means to me.

When we finally get to the beach, she looks thoroughly confused. "The beach? In the rain?" Okay, so I guess maybe it's not the best idea in the world to get her all soaked and soggy in the storm and _then_ ask her to marry me. In fact it seems almost pathetic, insisting on doing this right here and right now. But I guess I've already had my heart set on doing this here tonight, and for some reason, I just can't bring myself to wait, or to do it elsewhere. It's now or never. I give her a little shrug as she gets down and lets me put my arm around her. I reach into the back of the truck and pull out an old raincoat, draping it over her shoulders – even _less_ romantic, but still.

Part of the reason as to why I've chosen this site is that it has always been a special place for us. We've shared so many good memories here, from the time she was little until now. This is where we really get to be alone in each other's company, just the two of us – away from her family, away from the pack. And I guess it just makes sense to me that I bring her here for this.

But I have to admit that there's a slightly more selfish reason for this too. Because apart from coming here to be alone with her, the beach is also a place where I feel I can truly be myself. I've always felt at home here, comfortable and relaxed. And that's the effect that it's having on me now. It's already doing wonders for my nerves, and I know that by the time we get to our special place, I'll have worked up the confidence to express it all to her, straight from the heart. No barriers, no boundaries.

When we do at last get to our favorite spot, I take a seat on the big rock that had always been there and gesture for her to join me. I'm pretty sure that by now she must think I've flipped. Or that I'm severely depressed or something. I mean, seriously, making your girlfriend sit with you on the beach in the middle of the pouring rain doesn't seem like a very normal, sane thing to do. But she doesn't get weirded out, doesn't even ask what's going on. Instead she sits beside me and gives me this look of genuine understanding, like I could make her do anything in the world and she wouldn't run away.

"Nessie, I've been… well, I've been thinking about this for quite a while now, and…" And then I see the puzzled look on her face and realize that… well, seeing her this way, normally this would be where I crack a dumb joke and ruffle her hair or tweak her nose or something… All apprehension dissolves as I flash her a grin and decide to throw all caution to the wind and poke some fun at her after all. "Oh come on, don't look at me like _that_. Don't worry, it's not like I'm going to propose to you or anything!"

And then I reach into my pocket and pull out the little box. I'd fashioned it just for her – having picked up a uniquely-colored seashell not far from this very spot, I'd used it as a lid for the carved wooden base. "Except… Except I am, actually," I say more quietly now, or at least as quiet as the background sound of the rain would allow me, as I get up and bring myself down to one knee in front of her. Whenever she makes me watch chick flicks with her, I always joke about the gesture being cheesy, but I've seen the way it brings that dreamy look to her face every time and I guess I want her to have such a moment too, in real life. Even if it may not be in the most conventional of settings.

I have to squint a little with the water streaming down my face, but I can still manage looking into her eyes, which seem to be trying to register what's going on. I hold the small box – the dark velvet cushion is going to get wet, but that's the least of my worries. Still holding her gaze, I open the box to reveal the ring inside it. It's not much, and it's not fancy – certainly not quite up to the more lavish Cullen standards. But it's what I could afford, and I think she would understand. The ring is a simple gold band with a small ruby encased in the middle. I'd thought about diamonds and how they were the norm, and if I had found them right for her, I would have just saved up over a longer period of time, no questions asked. But from the first time I saw it, there was just something about the red stone that spoke to me of her. While the strong color seemed to represent the love I've always felt for her, at the same time it also seemed kind of symbolic to _me_ – symbolic of her pure, beating heart, something that has always been significant to me right from the start.

At this very moment, the rain seems to slow to drizzle, as if offering me a chance to speak. I snap it up. "I'm ready to take the next step, if you're ready to take it with me." Given the circumstances, I consider addressing her by her formal name: Renesmee. Just this once. I figure after all these years I can say it without twisting my tongue into knots. Yet somehow that would seem all wrong. It's a lovely name, I know, one that Bella had put together especially for her. But to me she would always be my Nessie, so I decide to go with my heart. Taking her hand, I place the open box into her palm, holding it there and drawing comfort from her touch as, smiling, I ask the question that I've been dying to ask for ages. "Nessie Cullen, will you marry me?"

The rain comes to a stop, as if heaven, too, wants to hear her answer.


	10. The Answer

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who is reading this. We appreciate even your silent support. But we do love to hear from you. :) We hope you enjoy this chapter, the chapter with the answer. And the net chapter has the first reason this story really needed to be rated M, lol. And we've decided to post Rachel and Paul next, but we're gonna wait until after you see them for the first time in this fic. Which is very soon, I promise.**

**NESSIE**

He helps me out of the truck, wrapping his arm around me. And instead of concerned or worried like I had felt moments before. He is after all bringing me to the beach in the rain. So I couldn't say that my mind hadn't immediately jumped to something not being right. But his arm around me made me feel warm and safe. He reached into the back of the truck and pulled out an old raincoat for me, draping it over my shoulders. I gave him a smile in thank you, feeling like that could have been the most romantic gesture ever. Him happening to have it, and him offering it to me, going without himself. I wished I had something to offer him, even though I knew that the cold and rain didn't bother him because of his high body temperature. He couldn't get sick either. I snuggled into his side, trying to offer him the small amount of warmth I possessed.

I studied him as we walked. He seemed considerably calmer since we had arrived at the beach. Not that that surprised me. He always seemed more at ease here. More at peace. More relaxed. I loved that more than anything else about going to the beach with him...the way that it seemed to all slide away and he was completely himself. Just him and me here. And the closer we got to our spot, the more I realized that I didn't need to worry about anything. His step wasn't heavy, his eyebrows weren't drawn together, his shoulders weren't slumped. This wasn't some kind of bad news. He was just nervous. And I couldn't figure out why. But I would trust him, he could lead me to the ends of the Earth and I would follow him willingly trustingly, even blindly. He sat down on our rock at our spot and patted the spot next to him. And with no questions asked, I lowered down next to him, looking over at him with a look of complete trust. I squeezed his hand and waited for him to say what he needed and wanted to say.

He starts to try and tell me why we're here. And I look at him with so much concern. He's stuttering. He's stumbling over his words. I've never seen him this nervous before. Not even when he had been interrogated by the family before. He always seemed brave and composed and strong to me. And watching him struggle concerned me deeply. I didn't want to imagine any bad news, from small to big. Things had been going so well and we had not seen each other in a while, I selfishly wanted problem free time with him. And then he grinned and teased me about worrying. I was put at ease almost immediately, but now I feel even more confused. How can it be nothing to worry about, but have him this upset? His words shock me the most. I hadn't even thought about proposals or weddings. I mean, sure I had, but only in the hypothetical sense. And I had always felt sure that it was at least a few years off yet. But as he said that he wasn't proposing, I felt my heart sink, as I felt like I lost something that I hadn't even known I wanted until just that moment. I tried to keep the disappointment from showing on my face.

Then everything changed and it seemed impossible to keep up. I'm sure he didn't do it at super speed, but that's what it felt like. It felt like he said he was, pulled the box out, kneeled and opened it all so quickly. I just stared at him, eyes wide in shock, wondering if I could believe what was in front of me. Jake, kneeling in front of me. Something he had always said was cheesy, that I had always kept my opinions of to myself. I loved the gesture, thought it was the ultimate in romantic. And to see Jake, kneeling before me was a dream come true. The box was beautiful, something that I knew that I would keep forever. He had obviously spent lots of time preparing it, making it, carving it, fastening it together, so that it would be perfect for me. I felt tears prick the back of my eyes as I tried to focus, on the ring, on him, through the rain. It was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen, it was perfect. It fit the two of us perfectly. It wasn't traditional, but I couldn't have asked for a single thing better.

As he began to speak again, it was like it was really sinking in. I felt tears pooling in the back of my eyes at how touched I was. And how happy. My hands slowly reached out to cup his cheeks as if to prove he were really there in front of me. When I felt sure that this was truly happening a wide smile spread across my lips. I was glad he had brought me here now, to our place, rain or no rain, it was the right place to do this for us, the right way.

He says that he's ready to take the next step with me. And I feel like I don't have the voice enough to answer him out loud. I feel like I would choke on my words. Like my voice would crack, like I would never get the words out. I nodded my head and leaned down, pressing my lips to his in a gentle, tender kiss, one that says everything that words are failing to say right now. When I pull away I take a moment to control my emotions that are running away with me. "Jacob Black," I say, stunned by my own formal use of his full name, I never used it, unless I was formally introducing him to someone, which I hadn't done many times, but tonight, it seemed right, it seemed necessary, "I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you."

And then I did something that I hadn't done in years. All the excitement that had nowhere to go came out in a squeal as I bounced slightly on the rock. I felt childlike in that moment, but I was too thrilled to care as I held my hand out to him, so that he could place the ring on it. "It's beautiful," I whispered to him as he removed it slowly from the box. Sometimes I think he worried that I expected everything to be lavish, luxurious, since that's how things were with my family, but the truth was, most times I found them to be over the top. I liked things more how they were with Jake and I, simpler, relaxed, but still elegant in its own right.

"I love you."

**JACOB**

I search her eyes anxiously, not sure how she might be taking this, afraid that maybe this wasn't the right time for her after all. But her kiss says it all, wipes all the uncertainties away. I kiss her back, showing her my own feelings in this, in a way that I can't possibly express in words. And then she addresses me by my full name – not a common phenomenon by any means. It's enough to grab my attention. This is it. And when she tells me that she'd love to spend the rest of her life with me, it's like everything in my world has finally clicked into place. This is what we _both_ want. This is where we're _both_ headed. Together.

She takes me by surprise when she lets out a loud squeal of excitement, one that I find so cute that I just can't help but laugh at. Grinning from ear to ear now, I reach into the box and pull out the ring. She tells me it's beautiful, though that may be in part for my benefit considering the luxuries she's used to. Gently, I slip it onto her slender finger and, well, even though it's not really Cullen material, seems to fit her perfectly. Like it was just made for her.

"I love you," she says, her emotions ringing clear in every word. I couldn't possibly ask for more. Feeling so happy I think my heart might just burst, I wrap my arms around her and give her quick squeeze before pulling back slightly and whispering in her ear, "Love you too." Then I lower my hands to her waist and bring my lips down to hers again, kissing her more deeply, more passionately than before.

To seal our engagement, here, on our little spot on the beach.

**NESSIE**

My lips move in sync with Jake's, like they were made to fit against his. He took me by surprise a little when he deepened the kiss, made it more passionate and then I found his warm arms around my waist. I slowly slid off of the rock and into his lap, straddling him, my arms wrapping around his neck, pulling his lips closer to mine as I kissed him even more deeply. I lowered one hand to feel the muscles of his chest, rippling under my hand as his hands moved over my back. My hand moved to rest on his heart. It beat slow and steady, rhythmically, in a way that made me feel peaceful. Not at all what hearing my heart beat fast as a hummingbird's wings all the time must feel like for him. It must sound chaotic, even frazzling at times.

My hand moved down and slipped under his shirt to gently touch his scorching hot skin. Skin that I suddenly craved to feel against my own. I wanted Jake. I didn't want to wait anymore. I wanted to feel what it was like to be completely a part of him. It would be the last physical barrier of our relationship. Before I got too carried away, I pulled my lips just a hair breadth away from his and said softly. "Let's go back to your place." While I felt sure that it wouldn't matter where Jake and I made love, I had a feeling that I'd prefer a bed for my first time, not the wet, sandy ground of the beach.

**JACOB**

I feel a low groan rumble at the base of my throat as her hand travels down from its place around my neck to finds its way under my shirt. It's impossible not feel a sense of longing for her right then, even though she's right here with me, kissing me like there's no tomorrow. But I promised I would wait, and I intend to keep that promise. Besides, kissing like this definitely has its merits.

But then she pulls away slightly and suggests going back to my place. For an instant I'm almost afraid she might have heard my thoughts or something, but then I realize that she might be worried about us getting too carried away right now. I grin at her before diving in for one last quick kiss and then, taking her hand in mine, slowly helping her up again. I'm glad she wants to come over, excited even to have some alone time with her. Just the two of us, in each other's company. I would put anything else on hold for that, even my aching desire for her.

I've always known every contour of her hands, how they fit into mine, and so it makes me all the more aware of the presence of the ring on her finger. Aware, in the most pleasant sense. "Come on," I say with a warm smile as I nod towards the direction of the truck.

**NESSIE**

I smile up at Jake as he stand up and helps me to my feet. Tonight is going to be a perfect night, in every way possible. Tonight I'm going to share everything with Jake. I stand still for a moment, studying first how beautiful he is, amazed that he would chose me, that fate would have chosen me for him. And also extremely happy for that. happier than anyone could imagine. Out of anyone in the world, over all the generations that would ever exist, fate chose me for him. And they had been right. The two of us were more than perfect for each other. I loved him more than life itself, and vice versa. I was certain that even among the other imprints no one's love was as strong as ours, that's how deeply I felt it. And then I studied our interlocked hands as he said come on and started to lead me in the direction of the truck.

The drive home was silent as I stared down at my ring, admiring it. It shimmered in the street lights as we drove, making it shift from dark to light. I couldn't resist leaning up and kissing his cheek as we drove. "Tonight was perfect."

We reached his house, quickly, the small, comfortable home located close to the beach. I let him help me out of the truck. And I decided that I wouldn't be nervous, I would be forward. I would wear my heart and intentions on my sleeve. If we were at The Cullens' I would pour us some wine to celebrate, but I was pretty sure that Jake didn't have anything of the sort here. So instead I went to the fridge and grabbed out two cold beers. I know I'm under age. But I don't think he'll say anything, especially since I've not got any grander schemes up my sleeve. "To celebrate," I said to him when he looked worried. He opened them both, taking a long sip of his. I raised mine to my lips. I'd never had beer, only wine and liquor. I took a small sip and my face twisted up. That was really gross. I abandoned mine on the counter and so Jake did too.

I leaned up and kissed him again before echoing his words from the beach. "Come on," I said with a sexy smirk, starting to lead him to his bedroom.

**JACOB**

The drive home was for the most part quiet, but this time it held none of the nervousness like it did before. I have Nessie beside me, not just now but always, and life sure is good. I look over at her and find my heart warming up at the sight of that beautiful smile on her face. Nothing could possibly pull me down from Cloud Nine now. Nothing.

Back at the house, I'm about to head for the living room when Nessie makes a stop at the fridge. Right after dinner? I follow her into the kitchen to see what she's getting out. _Beer?_ "To celebrate," she tells me in response to the look I give her. I give a shrug before opening up both cans and handing hers to her. "If you say so, but I don't think you're going to like it," I warn her, just seconds before she screws up her face, making me laugh. I'd kind of expected that. "Told you," I say as I set mine down on the counter beside hers.

And then she kisses me again and hell, who cares about beer? I'm just about responding to it when she pulls away and takes my hand. "Come on." I raise an eyebrow at her as she begins leading me towards the bedroom. There's a look of invitation on her face, one that I can only half-decipher. Half, because I think I might be getting a little ahead of myself here. "Oh?" I ask, giving her a questioning look.

**NESSIE**

I look over at Jake when he doesn't willingly come along. And he seems like he's waiting for me to say it. I think he wants me to. He wants for this to happen as much as I do, maybe more. But he wants to hold back. He wants to be sure I'm sure. He doesn't want there to be any regrets. And there would have been a time where I would have felt rejected by that. But not any more. Because over the years, Jake's self-control and strong will to do only what was right for me had saved us from quite a few awkward moments and heartbreaks.

I smile as I move back over to him. I brushed my hand across his brow, along his hair line. My hand trails down to his cheek as I look up at him, my eyes never wavering from his. I want him to have all of the assurance he needs to know that this won't be a mistake come tomorrow. "Jake, I love you," I explain to him. But in truth there's nothing new about that. It's not news to anyone. "And tonight, it just feels right. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to be with you."

Then I allowed for the fact that maybe he didn't think the time was right. But that didn't sting, not badly at least, I knew we'd be together forever, and like he had said many years ago, we had plenty of time. We didn't need to be in a rush. "No pressure...either way, I would like to stay tonight..." Tonight we had started a life together and even if all that happened was he held me all night long, I wanted that. I wanted that closeness. And I was pretty sure he did too.

**JACOB**

I continue to look at her questioningly as she brings her delicate hand up to my face. "Jake, I love you," she says. And it's always something I like to hear. Her saying my name, her telling me she loves me. It's not that I don't know it – I know it with all my heart and soul. But just coming from her lips makes it so much more real. "And tonight, it just feels right. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to be with you."

I guess I'd sort of seen this coming. Maybe partly on the beach, and more so after the beer, or not drinking the beer. But I didn't want to acknowledge it until she did. I didn't want it to be forced, even though I did want it. When she tells me that she doesn't want to wait anymore, I look down into her eyes, searching them closely. This time it's clear that this is what she really wants – for what it is, and not for any other reason.

"No pressure...either way, I would like to stay tonight..." she says, I suppose giving me the option to object to it, although it seems like her own mind has been made up. Reaching up, I take her hand from my cheek and bring it down, holding it against my chest. "You sure about this, Ness?" I ask her, my tone soft but serious. I do want this, want her, but I won't let either of us get carried away tonight if there's even the tiniest room for doubt. "_Absolutely_ sure?"

**NESSIE**

Jacob reaches up and takes my hand from his cheek and brings it down to his chest. I can feel the rhythmic beat of his heart. His heart that seems to beat just for me. As I know that my heart beats only for him. He asks again if I'm absolutely sure. I laugh softly and nod up at him, moving closer to him as I do. "I'm absolutely sure. As sure as I am that I want to spend forever with you."

I wrap my other arm around him, pulling him closer to me, so I can feel his soothing warmth. Along with the beat of his heart. It puts me completely at ease and erases any nerves I had. This would be after all both of our first times. I had nothing to be nervous about that he probably wasn't nervous about. "No regrets," I promised him, still holding his gaze.


End file.
